The Dead Pool
By Anonymous
1) Luke Deters
Many know about this bodybuilder's famous "freeze" during the prejudging of a recent contest. His entire body cramped so painfully that three men had to carry him offstage like a statue. He later admitted this was due to unwise diuretic use. This alone doesn't give him any special points in the Dead Pool. Instead, it is his inability to make it through any prejudging without collapsing backstage in a 280-pound, wheezing heap. Should you ever see Luke living large in the off-season at 320 pounds, you'll see that the mere act of walking ten feet from one machine to another is enough to make him out of breath. (Allegedly this guy once played a professional sport in another country?what, do they walk instead of run in their games?) And let's think about what kind of drugs it takes to allow a man to carry 280 pounds of muscle, with almost zero bodyfat. The Cro-Magnon brow and squiggly veins further enhance his reputation as bodybuilding's own Frankenstein, a drug experiment gone horribly wrong. When conversations about who will be the next pro bodybuilder to meet his Maker, Luke is usually number one with a bullet.
2) Byron Peterson
Perhaps it's jealousy that's caused him to be so successful in pro bodybuilding. Maybe it's because he's isolated in Europe, and our American imaginations run away with us as to what "the ghost" is doing in his dungeon of a gym in Northern Europe. Whatever the reason, I have heard absolutely insane rumors of the drug practices of Byron. The nuttiest one claims that each night, Byron withdraws a certain amount of blood, then mixes it with growth hormone. This is left refrigerated overnight, then re-injected every morning. Yuck! Another rumor claims that Byron takes 2 iu's of growth hormone every two hours, every day. True? Nobody but Byron knows for sure. But we've all seen this man grow bigger, uglier, and blockier since his first Olympia. (Over thirty pounds bigger, to be exact) And to see him in the off-season, with dark bags under his eyes, you would think you were looking at the bloated face of a 50-year-old alcoholic?not the man who's supposed to represent a pinnacle of health and fitness. If Byron is one of our sport's top representatives, it's amazing anyone wishing to live to a normal old age would ever take up bodybuilding.
3) Muhammed Kabul
Stop picking on the big guys! I can hear a few (very few) of you whine. Sorry, but how do you think these sides of beef get to be so much larger than the average bear? Muhammed was about 290 at a recent pro show where he flunked a drug test (he swears he could have done better if he had been given more time to study!). But according to gym lore, it isn't diuretics that have been the "secret weapon" for this North African monstrosity. It's the new holy trinity in pro bodybuilding?growth hormone, insulin, and IGF-1. In particular, Muhammed is said to be the most advanced practitioner of insulin and IGF-1 use in the world. To be sure, he's a genetically gifted fella and he trains damn hard. But for someone to come out of nowhere and all of a sudden threaten Dorian Yates, that somebody must be using a lot more than "Mega Gainer 10,000." 'Nuff said.
4) Lance Depardieu
Speaking of "coming out of nowhere," nobody exemplifies this more than new European Monster Lance. Most weight class winners from the World Amateur Championships compete once or twice as pro's, get slaughtered, and give it up. Not our boy Lance. This guy wins his class at the World Championships weighing 230 pounds, and returns at the Arnold Classic at a scale-crushing 280 pounds. Excuse me, fifty pounds of muscle in less than two years? Perhaps if we were talking about a beginner, but a guy that was already a national champion in his country and earned his pro card? What kind and amount of drugs would it take to accomplish a gain like this? It's beyond comprehension. The big rumor about Lance is that he has possibly the greatest connection for drugs in the world. It could very well be bullshit. In any case, seeing this caricature of a human being in person just once will tell you that, although he's merely in his mid-twenties, he has no intention of living to see 40.
5) Donny Viceroy
See, we're not just putting tall guys into the Dead Pool! This guy is one of the shortest bodybuilders ever. Lately, however, he seems to be on a mission to prove he can get as freaky as any of the men with bigger frames. He last competed in 1995, and ever since then, it's been one long, sick off-season. At his heaviest, he was 270 pounds. Now, if you read that in one of the bodybuilding magazines where they praise such accomplishments, they'd be having an orgasm over how his arms are 23 inches, his legs 34, and so on. What they wouldn't mention is that his head and face are now bloated to distortion, and as red as a ripe tomato. He looks uncomfortable just sitting down, and his girlfriend reports that he can no longer sleep on his side, as his shoulders are so wide that his head hangs down perilously. He could easily injure his neck sleeping that way, much like the Elephant Man had to be very careful at bedtime lest he snap his neck with that big melon head. He's only in his mid-twenties, but he looks about 10-15 years older. This is a lad who's determined to play the big boy's game, no matter what it takes, despite having a stature more suited to being a jockey. Recently recovering from a nasty site infection, Donny is "back on track." Good luck, Donny, because if you're not careful, you'll be riding a horse straight to the undertaker, and nobody wants that.
6) Marty Simpson
Marty first gained his reputation as a pharmaceutical daredevil at the Nationals, where he shocked muscle fans by weighing in at a full ten pounds heavier than his last contest. Ten pounds of muscle, you say? What's the big deal? The big deal is that his last contest had been the Junior Nationals, just three months prior! Not only do his constant gains and his alleged concurrent cycles put him at risk, but also his habit of competing in both the Spring shows, the Olympia, and the Grand Prix tours certainly must be taxing to his system. This means, in effect, he could never cycle off even if he wanted to! Some people say he's "Full Blown," but so is his liver, I guess.
7) Tommy Petrovich
Can we talk lobster? This is about the reddest guy I have ever seen, which could mean his blood pressure is much like the volcano in "Dante's Peak." Not only is his face red, but at a recent Arnold Classic, the audience was actually laughing at the sunburn pallor of his entire body. And these are his fellow bodybuilders! And don't try to tell me that his monkey-like face isn't the result of something dangerous.
Tim Antonio
Speaking of simian, you know big Tim has to be unique to make this list as an amateur. That big, overhanging shelf of a brow, that giant, bulbous nose, that lantern jaw - good God, isn't this acromegaly at it's worst? And what about that gut? Tim has a stomach so distended it looks like he's about to give birth - to a ten-year-old! Even his glutes, striated and stripped of all fat, are bigger than most guys' backs. Magazines love to glorify 260-pound Tim as "freaky, monstrous," and so on. Why don't any of them have the balls to say this is a prime example of how various drugs can destroy a physique, not to mention a face? Tim presented trophies at a Southern California contest not long ago weighing a bovine 320 pounds at 5'9". Did the bodybuilders seated around me, most of whom were no strangers to drug use themselves, praise and admire him? No. What I heard was, "What a f??? gorilla," and "That dude's gonna die."
9) Jimmy Munson
Now, I don't want to spoil it for those of you who think this giant got his size from the supplements he endorses. But check him out in the "before" picture, at close to 400 pounds. That's right, 400 pounds. I don't give a shit how great his genetics are or how he trains, no human was ever meant to be a muscular 400 pounds. Why the dark bags under his eyes? Why does he look 15 years older than he is? Since most bodybuilders base their drug dosages on their bodyweights, how much would this guy have to take? It boggles the mind, and it would probably give the manufacturers of these drugs a heart attack. Jim is one of the Dead Pool's best bets.
10) Lonny Kramer
I didn't want to put Lonny on this list. I've known him for six years, and he's really a good guy. But is he terribly intelligent? You decide. After nearly losing his life to a terrible disease at age 24, after having chemicals pumped through his chest for over a year, and going through painful medical procedures, what does he do? Does he say, "Thank you God, I'll never mess with the drugs that almost killed me ever again!" No! He goes back on, and announces his plans to continue competing! To be sure, Lonny missed the feeling of being big as a house. Worse, he is surrounded at all times by members of the "Lonny Kramer Fan Club," groupie wanna-be's who urge him to compete. But guess what, Lonny? They didn't almost die, you did! Currently, Lonny is training naturally, since at present the IFBB refuses to issue him a pro card. Hopefully he will continue to do so. The late twenties is too young to die, no matter how great you look in that brief time.
