In the washroom, ...and the culprit was ... moi.
But before you condemn me as one of those idiots... let me explain the situation.
I had, against my better judgement, agreed to be a guest speaker on an international conference call.
Wouldn't you know it, ...as soon as I commit to the conference call, less than 2 hrs later my agent calls and tells me we have to do a reshoot from an MOW the next day. So now I'm stuck. When I got to set, a quick check of the call sheet told me that lunch which was scheduled between 20:00hrs & 21:00hrs was going to coincide with the time of the conference call, so rather than bow out as a guest speaker, I figured that would be fine, as long as we remained on schedule and the producers didn't opt to take a meal penalty.
In all the years I've been on film sets, it had never before dawned on me just how noisy an entire cast & crew of upwards of 100 can be while eating lunch. Holy Cow! My trailer wasn't any help at all. Being Canadian, we don't get Winnebago's, ...we're stuck with Honeywagons, and my honeywagon was attached to a particular actor who shall remain nameless who loves to blast reggae & rap at the highest volume on the dial.
Unfortunately, we were shooting in a wierd location, inside a studio with bad reception. It was beginning to look like I wouldn't for the life of me be able to find a quiet place at all. The only quiet place I could find was the woman's restroom. So I'm inside the stall doing the conference call from my cell phone, ...and it was so quiet, you could even hear a mouse peeing on a cotton ball...
Then they announce "We're back in 5", ...and wouldn't you know... the mad rush for the washroom began. The makeup artist comes rushing in, and starts peeing... cause she knows she's gonna be busy touching up everyone's makeup after lunch. That was no mouse, ...and it wasn't on no cotton ball. That's fer darn sure. I don't know how many gallons of liquid she drank all day, ...but the flow just wouldn't stop... It's sounded like Niagara Falls. She would have made a race horse blush. I'm flipping out worried that hundreds of listeners across USA, Canada & Australia are listening to this woman pee, ...and thinking it was me.
If that's not bad enough, ...next came the big FLUSH!
I was mortified. So too was she. Of all the stalls... she had to choose the one right beside me.
Because I had stopped speaking just before she entered, she didn't even know that there was even anybody else in the bathroom (as evidenced by the various other sounds she made which I don't dare go into).
Suffice to say, I wasn't the only one mortified when I emerged from the stall and she realized someone had heard her. I didn't have the heart to tell her, I wasn't the only one who heard her assorted farts, ...that she had broadcasted to a few hundred people on 2 continents. The next time I'm forced to do a conference call by cell phone from a washroom stall, ...I'm sticking a big
'OUT-OF-ORDER' sign on the door first.
