I have been in a relationship for two years. We both love each other very much, know each other very well. I always crave his touch and I always want to be near him. But every now and then I want to be with other people, not a well thought through, logical decision, but a nearly uncontrollable urge. I usually don't pay attention to wanting to be with other people, but still. . .once is too much in my book. The worst time this happened was during one of our fights, and I considered IMMing my ex to start something. Then I was like, no, I should break up with my current boyfriend first. But the thought passed and I am still with my boyfriend, who I do not want to leave. But I imagined me and my ex together for a couple seconds. So yeah I feel horrible about that. I want the truth, is that cheating? Like cheating worse than or on par with just fucking a guy I don't love? Me and my boyfriend both said we have feelings for our exes that we can't control, but we try to push them away. But, what I did is more than that. And I can't just get over it. Should I tell him? Also, I have this happen a lot, me considering being with other people and liking it. I've never been that close before though.
So how do I stop?
This problem of mine happens for a few reasons
1. I don't see him every day, I am at college. He doesn't have a phone sometimes and thus rarely calls me anymore. He has a life and a job, so it's not like we IM a lot. We usually see each other every weekend. And during the last summer it's been somewhat more, but not every day. I feel like we don't have much time to bond together anymore.
2. We fight a lot. Like, every time we see each other. Often very big fights that involve yelling and crying and feeling horrible afterwards.
3. curiosity. I have only had sex with him, and never had a very deep relationship with anyone else either. I often wonder what it would be like to have that with someone else. I am like a guy in the way that my instinct tells me to spread my seed. But I don't feel right about it.
4. maybe the biggest one and the worst. . .I have baggage with him. I feel so bad about this whole thing, and other things that are anywhere close to it. It builds up and I feel like...maybe I should be with someone who won't give me the exclusivity he gives me. maybe I'm not made to be like this. If I start with someone new, for a short while at least, I will not have as much to feel bad about. And, I have learned so much over the past two years that some mistakes I may not make again.
Please tell me if my situation is really bad. Is this full blown cheating? Should I tell him? Should I even be with this person?
