http://community.livejournal.com/moviebuffs/2108047.htmlTop Ten Actors On Steroids
In the wake of the baseball scandal, it is only a matter of time until Hollywood is also rocked by allegations of steroid abuse. I have been able, through my vast and shadowy network of internet and old-style CB trucker sources, to obtain the names of those actors likely to be linked to this outrageous story. Here they are, the dirty cheaters:
10.
The Rock
Once this guy was part of professional wrestling, where that sport’s inherent integrity and stringent testing requirements kept him away from steroids and drug abuse. When he made the move to films, however, the lure of glam nights and award-caliber performances proved impossible to resist. Now, his old wrestling buddies are said to be devastated by The Rock’s reckless performance-enhanced thespian ways.
9.
Burt Reynolds
Old Smokey has been injected so many times he can’t even move his face anymore. He has to be doped with HGH just to walk from the chair to the set. I hear they had to splice his dialogue in those beer commercials together from old movies, and that the long shots were done by a muppet.
8.
Dave Chapelle
Have you heard about this guy lately? He is out there giving stand-up shows that last over 6 hours. That’s an hour longer than The Godfather Part III. Everyone knows that steroids provide stamina. Everyone also knows that Chapelle goes insane about once every six months. It might not all be steroids, though. Some of it could be the cocaine talking.
7.
Charlie Sheen
This one’s easy. Name one other vice he doesn’t have. Ok, maybe video poker. This guy could get caught buck naked having sex with a crack whore on Sunset Boulevard in a stolen car full of cocaine and all anybody would say is, “can’t he afford a motel?” Trust me, steroids are in his bio somehow.
6.
Matthew McConaughey
This frothed-over poster child was first outed by Lance Armstrong on Colbert. I can’t wait to see this son of a bitch fall. Oh, Matthew is so buff. Oh, Matthew is so quirky. Oh, Matthew is so everything you’re not. Uh…ahem. Well, anyway I guess he gets his injections shipped directly to the beach because I think setting a foot off sand kills him instantly. Buy a shirt druggie!
5.
Robert DeNiro
DeNiro does not buy steroids, his body produces vast amounts naturally. Pints of his blood sell for $20 on the LA streets and in small-time theaters.
Can you see him testifying in front of Congress? Senator, are you talking to me? Are you talking to ME?
4.
Alec Baldwin
Did you hear his phone call to his daughter? A clearer case of ‘Roid Rage has never been recorded.
Baldwin has 16 brothers, all actors, all unemployed, all juiced.
3.
Steve Buscemi
One of my favorite performers, but he has taken so many steroids his eyes are now popping out of his head.
Wait a minute. Have his eyes always been popping out of his head?
What did they tell people when he was a baby?
Was Steve Buscemi ever a baby?
2.
Al Pacino
Say hello to my little friend. And it is ever little by now.
Pacino’s wild steroid excess has kept him going strong despite the fact that he is 107 years old. And if they come to arrest him, his prune-faced steroid-infused dried-up-but-turbo-charged butt will kick their asses. Hoo-haa.
1.
David Boreanaz
The pictures don’t lie, Boreanaz is the reverse Barry Bonds. He bulked up for his role as our favorite super-vamp crusader on his Buffy spin-off series Angel. Then, after its cancellation, he shows up all lean and human-like as some kind of government agent in a show called Bones. It’s clear that blood wasn’t the only thing he was sucking down on Angel.
One question. How do you apply “the clear” when you can’t see yourself in the mirror?
