Haha, you're a good sport dude, these fucks are lighting your ass up and you're taking it all in stride. I actually have that problem with jeans off the rack myself and my legs are smaller then yours(29 3/4" waist, 25 1/2" thighs). I got some jeans from the Gap that fit pretty good, although I had to get a size 34" waist, I just let em' sag a little bit and wear a belt. I tried a pair on in Macy's yesterday, 34x32, I couldn't even get the fuckers up over my ass. I was pissed too cause they were like $20, I'm a cheap bastard 
rock n republic jeans
Different jean manufacturers have different dimensions.
I usually wear Lucky Brand jeans, and have a few different pairs. Both are 34x36, one boot cut and the other loose fit. The Loose fit is best for me, and seems to allow my legs plenty of room and I can bend up and down if something is on the ground. The boot cut is too loose around the waist and I have to double fold the waist over with a belt, but it looks stupid if I have a shorter shit on.
Rock the Republic jeans, I couldn't even get the same size as the Lucky Brand on! My legs wouldn't even fit into them. Mavi had some jeans that felt great, but the waist was a bit too wide and the amount of fabric that was folded over was too much, and I couldn't have them tailored.
I notice that a lot of the higher end jeans out there have much thinner legs. If you're David Hasselhoff you're good, but most anyone that squats a decent amount of weight correctly needs something with more leg room.