Recovering From Being a “Nice” Guy
by Alex Strandberg · 29 comments
You have listened to her complain about the jerk who treated her badly countless times only to watch her go out with him again and again. All of your selfless acts fall to the wayside only to hear about her mistreatment the following week.
You are left in pit of despair and confusing as the mantra “nice guy’s finish last” repeats in your head. “When will she wake up? When will she realize that there is a nice guy who will treat her the way she deserves to be treated sitting right here?”
She will never realize this because you aren’t in fact a nice guy. Appearances can be deceiving and the “nice guy” act is one of the biggest deceptions around.
On the surface nice guys appear to be selfless, kind, caring human beings but this is far from the truth. Beneath their generous acts and humble words lurks something darker. A dark side few nice guys care to admit because nice guys aren’t really that nice.
Here is a paraphrase from the book “No More Mr. Nice Guy”
” :
Nice Guys avoid conflict.
Nice Guys hold contempt for women.
Nice Guys have difficulty making their needs a priority.
Nice Guys lack conviction in their opinions or beliefs. Typically they will wait and see what the popular opinion is before taking a stand. If a rift happens in the group they will wait to see who is winning before taking a side.
Nice Guys lack loyalty. They develop a chameleon like type of behavior when interacting with others. If one member of a group doesn’t like another the nice guy will take on the belief of whoever they around. One day they will talk badly of one member and the next they will reverse their opinion.
Nice Guys are dishonest. They hide their mistakes and say what they think people want to hear. They will say pretty much anything to gain the approval of others.
Nice Guys are secretive. They are so driven to seek approval that they will hide anything they believe might upset anyone.
Nice Guys are manipulative. They have a hard time making their needs a priority and have difficulty asking for what they want clearly, so they feel powerless and result to manipulation.
Nice Guys are controlling in order to keep their world smooth.
Nice Guys give to get and expect some kind of reciprocation.
Nice Guys are passive-aggressive.
Nice Guys are full of rage, a rage which tends to erupt at some of the most unexpected and seemingly inappropriate times.
Nice Guys have difficulty setting boundaries, and instead feel like victims.
Nice Guys are attracted to people and situations that need fixing.
Nice Guys are terrible listeners because they are too busy trying to figure out how to defend themselves or fix the other person’s problem.
Nice Guys form relationships with partners who are “projects” or “diamonds in the rough.”
And Nice Guys tend to swing back and forth between the nice side and the dark side.
Reframing Being a “Nice” Guy
If you have found yourself in any of these qualities odds are that you are a “nice” guy. While nice guys do have some redeeming qualities overall they lack mature emotional balance.
Their overall theme in life is one of seeking approval. They want everyone to like them because on a fundamental level they don’t like themselves. They reach out for the approval of others because they aren’t content with their own.
They want to be liked by everyone but the truth is that NO MATTER what you do NOT EVERYONE will like you. You can’t please the entire crowd so it’s not worth the effort. There are some people that will despise you because of your desire to be liked. You are playing a game that you can never win.
Every time you try to be a nice guy at the cost of your integrity or your honesty you are hurting yourself. It may be a small little lie or agreeing with something that you don’t truly believe in but you are just making your situation worse.
Honesty, integrity and courage are at the core of confidence and high self esteem. Every time you sacrifice one of these principles you are chipping away at your self esteem. Do this long enough and there will be nothing left.
Recovering From Being “Nice” Guy
The first step is to become aware of your “nice” guy tendencies. Awareness is half the battle in conquering any issue. You can’t fix something that you don’t know is broken.
Be aware of every nice act that you preform and understand the real motivation behind it. Ask yourself “did I do this just to be nice or to be liked? Did I put the needs of others above my own just for their approval? Was my nice gesture genuine or was it done with the intention of getting something in return?”
On some level you understand what your motivation behind every nice act is. You know that you are doing it for approval. Your mind re-enforces these “nice” acts in two ways:
1. Rationalizing your behavior
2. Judging others for not doing what you do
The most common rationalization for your behavior that your mind will create is “I’m just trying to be nice.” Every lie, manipulation and bending over backwards for people will be rationalized by this thought.
A nice guy judges others for not being a nice as him. A martyr has a load of resentment towards people who don’t do the things that he does. They create an arrogance and draw part of their self esteem from having a better than you type of attitude.
If you look deeper into this judgment you will find jealousy. They are jealous of the people who have boundaries, aren’t self sacrificing for others and can get what they desire. They wish they could do the same but would run the risk of losing the validation they so desperately crave.
If you look at how much a nice guy judges a jerk you will see mass amounts of jealousy. He judges the jerk for the way he treats the girl, but in reality he wishes he could have her. He can’t be with her so he resorts to bitterness and taking a holier than thou route.
The second step is to drop this habit. This step can be very difficult because some of you have been practicing “nice” guy behaviors for most of your life. The external validation that you receive from others can become very addicting. Here are some ways you can put an end to this “nice” guy act:
-Start saying no to people. Write out a list of things that you do simply because you want to be liked and stop doing them. You should end up saying no to people far more than you say yes.
It’s not wrong to do for others but only if it’s done on your own terms. Help people out but only if you truly want to and without the expectation of getting something in return.
-Get your priorities in line and never break them. The needs of others should come fourth on your list of priorities below your health, integrity and your mission.
-Make honesty and integrity a priority above being liked, it will help you sleep better at night. Also become more open with your opinion and more upfront with people.
-Learn to draw your self esteem and approval from within. Being liked by others isn’t a bad thing but it becomes one when it’s your only means of feeling good about yourself.
-Develop a spine and start to stand up for yourself. It’s impossible to truly love yourself and draw self esteem from within if you are letting people walk all over you. Every time you let someone treat you badly your self esteem drops just a little bit more.
-Adopt the frame of “hey, I’m not for everyone.” Get used to the fact that whatever you do not everyone is going to like you. It’s ironic that once you let go of trying to get people to love you the more love you will draw into your life.
-”I trust the universe to supply my abundance and prosperity.” That nagging voice in the back of your head will be right when it tells you that being more authentic and honest will cause most of your “friends” to go bye bye. They will be upset over losing their doormat and nice guy friend who will do anything for them.Get over it and trust the universe to supply you with friends.
There will be a transition period were you will lose a good bit of your friends. By weathering the grace period you will allow better and more genuine friends to come into your life. Your life will be filled with more abundance than you can handle.
Try a 30 day challenge in order to change your “nice” guy behaviors. Take 30 days and completely change your behavior. Make a commitment for 30 days to standing up for yourself and not being so nice.
Tell as many people as possible so you are forced to keep this commitment. If you have a nice guy friend show him this article and make him your support buddy during this 30 day challenge.
Going full out for 30 days straight will help you change your behavior and beliefs on a deep level. At the end of the month it will be extremely difficult to go back to who you used to be. The new “not so nice guy” behaviors will be programed and ingrained into you.
You will be taking a large risk by dropping the “nice” guy act and it may feel safer to keep things just the way they are. So if you are satisfied with the fact that the only time a woman gets wet around you is when she is crying on your shoulder then I suggest that you continue on that path. But if you aren’t happy with your life or your success with women then I think it’s time for a change.
http://innergamereframe.com/recovering-from-being-a-nice-guy/
I live by a simple rule in life: "You can't change a grown adult so don't bother trying. All you can do is lead by example."
I treat those closest to me with respect and do whatever I can to help them, but I don't tell them their business or how they should live their lives...that absolutely don't work. I don't offer unsolicited advice, but I will listen and I will offer advice only if asked. I don't believe in this "bad boy"/"good guy" b.s. I believe in the trickle down effect of laying a solid foundation for relationships and friendships....if people respect you and see that you're doing the right things most everything else will happen the right way (not everything, but most things). You can't and shouldn't try to please everyone, but you should put your best foot forward as much as possible. Don't be some lame ass doormat, but also don't be some aloof asshole that puts up this hardass front of no compassion. You must respect yourself because if you don't no one else will; although, you must show respect for others but take care of your business first. You can't help others if you aren't squared away first. We all joke that women are attracted to money, but really they're attracted to self-respect and stability.....not over confidence (this is a boy's perception). If you respect yourself and have laid a good foundation everything else including money, physicality, family, friends, sex, education, etc... usually finds it way into the equation seamlessly.
In summary, just be a self-respecting, compassionate person that isn't a pussy and you'll keep the majority of your shit in line.
