I have major anger problems - or better had.
The anger in itself is hard to describe - its starts little in my belly and it feels good - its like you have been waiting for it to happen and now its there - it's like (I know thats corny) there is something sleeping inside of you and now is awake, it gets bigger and bigger until you freak, its like a just healed spot on your skin and you want to scratch it but you know by scratching it you hurt yourself, but it feels so good.
When you scream and shout and go nuts thats what I feel like - completly helpless and you know that you are doing wrong and you should stop but you cannot because it feels good.
I know they are linked to my past when I grew up and what happend.
The first time things got out of hand was when I picked up my adopted father and threw him down the steps, he had a little fruit knife in his hand and he cut himself - he did not talk to me for over a year.
Since then I was in countless fights kicked in doors - holes in walls kicking around shoes and so forth, just stupid shit and stuff that scares people.
It took me a while to understand that I cannot deal with my anger since I dont know how - I was able to just supress it for a while litteraly force myself not to get angry - but that makes the actual outburst even worse.
So I got help and it works so far - the final straw was now since I will become a father soon I do NOT want to make the same mistakes my biolocal parents did - I want to become the best father I can be.
The anger itself is hard to describe - you go into a red zone - the last time I was like that was when some neighboors had a party (5-6 skinny indian guys) they were cheering and hollering all night and I finally lost it and started shouting over to them to shut up please - one thing led to another and we were engaging in shit words and I said stuff that I am not proud of, but i completly lost it when one of them said he will rape my wife - she was standing behind me at that point and all the neighboors were on the balkonies.
When you go onto that "red zone" as I call it you are completly oblivious what is going on around you - its total tunnel vision, pure hate and anger - She said when he said he would - We gonna rape your wife - I got first real quite and a second later I wanted to jump down the balcony and I just completly lost it she said there is no way you can be held back since you are as I said completly oblivious what is going on around you - police came and I am extremly gratefull becuase I would have hurt somebody and would have gotten hurt - never mind how good as a fighter you are If there is one thing I have learned in the times i got my ass kicked its that you don';t stand a chance agains 6 guys never mind how skinny they are.
I think with the help I am getting I can really get a grip of myself and not get that angry anymore.
