1. Make Shit Up
Don't know what the fuck you're talking about? Can't quite keep up with the conversation? Or maybe you're just completely lost but want to contribute to the board anyway?
Don't worry, just make some shit up.
It really looks impressive if you throw out some statistics too. Do you know what the Vice President of Engineering for Cisco makes each year and pays in taxes? Nope. But it doesn't matter. Just claim all rich people only pay 8% in taxes and that everybody else is getting screwed over. It always looks good when you make shit up while portraying yourself as the underdog.
Do you really know how many people actually need food? Have you been actively keeping up with abortion statistics in the United States? Do you really follow oil futures? Who cares? Just make a claim and use a high enough percentage to be plausible, but low enough that nobody will probably question. 9 times out of 10, nobody's going to bother checking your bullshit. If they do, just move to Rules #2-4. 2. Disappear
Has your argument been completely decimated? Somebody call you out on Rule #1? Don't worry, just disappear from the thread and hope that nobody will notice. Afterall, if they call you out on it, you can just claim that you, unlike they, actually have a "life" and didn't have time to respond. Don't worry about the fact that you don't know the person (Rule #1 still applies).
You should also never worry about the fact that you just posted in the threads directly above. Afterall, you have a "life", the guy who just destroyed your claims doesn't.3. Liberally use Wall-O-Text
Okay, so you made some shit up, got called out on it, but don't want to disappear. The next best tactic is to create a Wall-O-Text. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY, is going to read your 105 paragraph post, cut and pasted from some obscure website.
For added benefit, always highlight, italicize, underline, and bold various random portions of the paragraphs to make it appear as though you actually took the time to read all that dribble.
**This usually requires a quick follow-up. Once somebody makes a post after your Wall-O-Text, you immediately post, "It's obvious you didn't read or understand anything of what I just posted", followed by a 4. Act Like a Bitch When You Get Owned
Got owned? Get angry.
Go on a posting rampage and start name calling and putting people down. Make up some shit about their family (Rule #1). Accuse them of being gay, a bigot, racist, neocon, socialist, sheeple.
Remember, if this doesn't work, you can always disappear. Afterall, YOU have a "life".5. Declare a Conspiracy
So, the President of the United States didn't personally call you up and fill you in on all the details about how the Seals took out Osama bin-Laden. Nothing to worry about. Rule #1 and your "sources" claim Osama was on the top floor and the Seals were making "all kinds of noise" on the bottom floor. Even though you've never participated in a Seal raid, never been raided by Seals, and probably never even met a Seal, you do "know" that if you had been Osama, you would have grabbed your loaded weapon and been completely ready.
Of course, Osama would have reacted in EXACTLY the same manner as you. You "know" this. Anybody who would disagree is obviously an idiot. But that's not how it's reported. No doubt, you've unearthed yet another conspiracy.
Congratulations! From your trailer park, you've not only been able to deduce how things "probably" went down, but you can flood the board with "mysterious questions" such as whether or not the President would actually sit "behind" a staffer (you have to expect people to ignore the fact that you've never actually been to a Presidential staff meeting - Rule #1 always applies). 6. Declare it's not a Conspiracy
Ah, a favorite twist of the conspiracy theorist. It's not a conspiracy, it's known and established "fact". It's all around you sheeple, you just have to open your eyes.
You are one of the elite few who has managed to put all the pieces together. The "facts" are established and known. But, it's your superior intellect that managed to do what few others could - figure out what really happened. Thankfully, for the rest of the GetBig political board, you've opted to educate us sheeple. 7. Pretend You Didn't Mean What You Meant
Uh-oh, did you just make an ass of yourself? Did you really throw up a post where you highlighted, underlined, bolded, and enlarged the font to say, "The Laws of Physics are different on Jupiter than on Earth"? Did you actually just claim the President doesn't live in the Whitehouse?
No problem. In your very next post, just claim that's not what you meant and accuse EVERYBODY of taking you out of "context" -even if that was the only line in your post. You have nothing to worry about - it fools everybody everytime. 8. Distort What Somebody Really Meant
Did that asshole poster just use the word "always" when noting that Congress opens with a prayer?
Well, well, well. That is your opening to attack his statement with something "substantial".
Now, since you just spent the last 6 hours on Google looking up the 3 times Congress opened without a prayer, you can totally own this douchebag. And, make certain you call them a "liar" in every subsequent post - that'll really dig it in and show him who owned his ass. 9. Declare All Politicians and Political Parties Suck
You and You alone are above the fray. The rest of these sheeple are caught up in their fake paradigms, never understanding the true nature of politics. But your keen insight into the political process allows you to see and understand what everyone else won't or can't. You alone have managed to deduce that all sides have problems.
Because you have expended the majority of your mental faculties in deriving this observation, you now feel compelled, dare I say obligated, to announce this stunning revelation to the entire GetBig political board. I can assure you that the rest of us appreciate this newly revealed information and hope that you continue your autistic tradition of endlessly repeating it. 10. Be Creative with Your Sources
Can't find a legitimate source to support your bullshit? No worries. Quote a fashion blog, use a fake website, act like Wikipedia is an authoritative source. Remember all that time you spent bashing Fox and MSNBC (see Rule #15)? Well, turns out you're still free to use them as valid sources since they support your claim.
And don't just get caught up in the type of source. Quantity matters! Somebody dare call bullshit on your claim? Post 50 fucking links. It doesn't matter if NONE of the links actually support your claim. It looks good. Besides, you can still fall back on Rules #2-#4.11. When One Side Does Something Wrong, Always Point to Something Wrong on the Other Side
The best part about this one is that it doesn't even have to be remotely related to the thread.
Did your conservative anti-gay rights congressman just take it up the ass? Well, you better get in that thread and point out that Nancy Pelosi wants free airplane rides.
Did your President just rack up trillions of dollars of debt? Well, you know what to do... 12. Act as though YOU are the Only Person Serious about the Issues
Did some jackass poster just put up thread about your President throwing a ball like a bitch?
Clearly this type of unprofessionalism has no place on a bodybuilding board where serious political discourse is expected to take place. This is GetBig.com, not the Huffington Post.
Things are different here - and so are you. You're not capable of dealing with both serious and fun issues, so obviously nobody else could possibly manage such a grandiose feat. Make sure you get in that thread and let them know it. 13. Always Use Thread Titles to Convey Catastrophe, Disaster, Heroism, Insults, or some other Extreme
It's not, "Ron Paul would make a Great President"
It's, "Honest, Fair RP - Better than the Fucktard You Support"
It's not, "Unemployed People Desperately seek Food"
It's, "Communist Leeches Demand Free Shit"
It's not, "Congress Failed to Understand the Economic Issues"
It's, "Incompetent Boobs in DC Ruined the ENTIRE Nation Forever"14. Deny Your Hypocrisy
Did you just go on a 30 post rampage slamming Republicans only to find out that Democrats did the exact same thing? Aw shit, time for some damage control.
Immediately claim that it's "different".
Do you see how truly clever you are? No two situations are completely alike or truly "exact". Hence your claim of it being "different" shows everyone what a complete genius you really are.
Careful though. Rule #9 people are always lurking about the board. 15. Declare all the MSM as Biased Hacks and Tell Everyone that You Only Use "Valid" News Sources
It's completely en vogue, and everybody will admire you. You'll be considered a "serious intellect" who's very knowledgeable and really likes to get to the depths of a news story. Toss around some "valid" sources like "rense" or "democratic underground".
Talk about how your geek ass likes to listen to NPR and serious political commentators like Kevin Phillips. Regale the board with political philosophy and point out that you get your information from BOOKS! Afterall, you've got a life.