Do we really have to ask why the box gym is failing?
Thomas Plummer
Hello, welcome to our gym. We would like to sell you a membership here so you can use all of this cool I equipment I just bought. Come along on the tour. I know you have no interest in Step Aerobics but I just paid for the damn steps so you will see them as part of the tour. Over here we have 60 expensive treadmills and over here is the room where we lock up women because everyone knows they get in the way in the free weight area. We offer 50 classes a week in there but I have never really taken one myself so I have no idea what the hell they really do.
So, if you pay $39 a month, here is what you get to do. We recommend you do this at least three times per week if you are really serious about getting in shape. Hey dude, we are here for you and you’re going to love working out here.
First of all, we want you to come by yourself so you have no one to talk to while you are here. If you bring headphones, you can shut everyone completely out and we also have small televisions on the treads so you can walk slowly for an hour not breaking a sweat watching ESPN and watching athletes train hard.
Be careful with those televisions, though, if you jog. They are so small that if you run too fast it is like: TV/where did it go?/TV/where did it go?/TV. We know it is hard to watch and move so just walk slowly and you will be fine, because what’s more important, watching TV or actually getting into shape?
This is our circuit equipment and this is Curt, our trainer. Curt will spend about two minutes with you and when he finds you really aren’t interested in one-on-one training, he will be uninterested in you. You will then receive a really cool giant card you can keep in a box over there. Every time you come to the club, go around a circle; don’t talk to anyone and when you are done go walk slowly on the tread. We know this doesn’t work anymore and your body will adjust in about six weeks but we sell memberships, not fitness and besides a am a trained salesperson who will later amaze you by writing the prices upside down when you sit across from me at the desk getting slammed.
Once you are a member here we will completely forget whom you are so bring this card every time you check in so we know when your membership is up so we can then harass you about signing for another year. This will be, by the way, the only time anyone on our staff will talk to you during the entire year.
Oh, and we also do something a little sleazy here. Once a year the owner needs a new car so we sneak in an extra payment on you. We call it an enhancement fee, which is a pretty cool name if you ask me and of course you will forget you signed for this because the print is so small but don’t worry, we will whack you anyway and then look for the owner to pull up in a really styling new high-end SUV about a week after we hit everyone.
One of the drawback here is it is rather difficult to get in shape at our club since none of this shit really works. You see, we are using technology that dates from the late 60’s but the equipment guys tell us it is coming back so what can a guy do. Come on, don’t worry, everyone loves to sit on their ass and workout and despite everything you see on TV and every book you read, this is the only way to really get in shape. By the way, if you have read Todd Durkin’s new book, any of Alwyn’s or Rachel Cosgrove’s book or anything by Mark Verstegen you officially know more than everyone on our staff. Maybe you could be a trainer here?
If you want to really get in shape, I would suggest getting a Men’s Health and doing their workouts like those guys over there in the corner sharing the club’s only three medicine balls. That kettle bell, by the way, belongs to a member who brings it each time since we think those are dangerous and don’t let members use them.
Oh, while we are here, here is our leg press and neck machine areas, which aren’t as dangerous as they look, unless you want a bad back and our out-of-date trainers will also show you how to do a crunch, which is guaranteed to finish off that bad back if the leg press doesn’t do it for you. Our serious members workout six times a week doing a split shift body part because you just never know when bodybuilding might come back.
That 40-year-old man over there the size of an Abrahams Tank is Ed and he is a master trainer when he is not competing as a "natural bodybuilder.” Kind of strange that a guy that age still has acne and the balls the size of Grape Nuts but you just can’t get good drugs these days. By the way, don’t make him mad. If you catch him on a new cycle he will kill you man and I mean it.
Hey, let me introduce you to our young, dumbass front counter girl. This is her first job and if you can get her to put down her cell phone she might help you, although don’t expect much since we go through people in this position like free donuts at Krispy Kreme and none of them stay long enough to learn anything. Besides, we aren’t really about service here, we are just about selling more memberships so if you can give me the names of all your closet friends I will pretend I am grateful and we will then proceed to call them endlessly referencing your name each time.
Okay, let’s get you signed up. All of our deals are three years long and there is a membership fee, card fee, processing fee, starter fee and initiation fee so I can get you started for $199 today but wait, you just happened to catch a deal where we are offering a chance to get started for only $49 dollars and no, not one stupid person has ever paid full price but we have to run something to bring in new members don’t we?
This might be funny if it wasn’t so sad. Visit any chain club and some version of this will happen. Why is the fitness business so hard? It is because we make it hard. Instead of questioning our business practices, we just lower the price. It is not the member. It is not the price. It is not the trainer. It is the concept that is wrong. We can’t patch it, we need to blow it up and start all over again. No wonder the members hate us, leave early and don’t refer. What we do is antiquated, insulting and just doesn’t work anymore.
Once you read this, look at everything you are doing. Is it a bad habit left over from the last decade or is it something that is ethical and professional and that will lead to new members who will stay longer and pay longer? Start there, the answers are right in front of you.
