Coming up a TLDR ...
I was done over once too. April 1, 2002. That bastard day got forever seared into my mind.
Changed me you know. I'm still changed because of that.
The last 10 years I've been in relationships on and off, but nothing came close the the fire and love I felt for her. Nothing came close.
I sort off got over it but still look at her pic on and off. Wondering what if. Some happy occasion where we went mountain climbing, another were we went paddling, walking, playing tennis. We looked young and happy. Smiling. I was so happy that time I was with her. True-always-goofy-smiling happiness. When she rang, when I saw her, when she touched me, my heart started fucking singing. I know, I know, so what?
But you know, perhaps the fire was too great and burnt us. That damned night she told me she 'wanted some space and come up for air' .... I'm not ashamed to say I drove around aimless in my car, sobbing like a little girl. I remember giving my phone to my best buddy so I couldn't call her and beg her to come back. For weeks I had no phone. That night, it rained heavy early evening and later I drove on some stretch of road near her town, just so I could feel close to her, hoping that me being near would melt her. For some reason I kept thinking; 'rain can melt ice. Rain can melt ice'. As long as it rained, I felt there was hope. God knows why. Perhaps I really got crazy the first few weeks after.
She lived an hour away from me in a different city and I would drive over twice a day, sometimes three times and just drive around, feeling closer because it was her city. When I drove past her flat and saw her car parked there, I died a little every time. We were so close man. We took her car and went racing on Sundays. Now it sat there, lonely in a car park on windy, warm, nostalgic, lonely Sunday afternoons, with just memories left. Just a few short weeks ago, we were so happy. We were in the car, happy. that's what I kept thinking. Yes yes, I did myself no favors. So what?
Aight, enough with the bitching. With a purely brutal effort of will, I forced myself to viciously cut her from my mind and snapped out of my funk. She never existed to me. After 3 months she got in touch, wondering how I was. I smashed my phone and burned my SIM card. Now try and get in touch with me bitch. All the while still I would've sold my mother into Africa as a prostitute to get her back. But I knew she was gone. Perhaps I should've begged, maybe she would've came back to me. Perhaps my life would've been TOTALLY different today, But it's the only way I felt somewhat in control. If only the littlest of control since inside me I was being tossed around as if in a never ending tempest.
I finally moved away from my town in 2004, across country away from that shitty past. The night before the removal truck came, I sent her a sms. Almost two years from last speaking to her. She sent back immediately that she was so happy that I got in touch and told her about me. I told her that I'm pleased we got to spend a short time together and we had a laugh about the old days. Her final sms was her wishing me 'happiness and a big green tree in my back garden', fuck knows what that meant, but it made me smile. These days when I wish somehow well for something, I always wish for them to have a big green tree in their backgardens. It does get its fair share of funny looks.
So 10 years later where am I? Cannot commit for too long because that fire I had with her isn't there anymore. Somehow it's gone. I look at girls and think 'The moment I'm sick of your vagina, you're gone'. I'm NOT scared of letting anyone in because nobody will truly ever match up so what pain can I possibly feel?
Anyway, enough of this. Gotta get to the gym. Legs. Fucking legs
