I met her at a nightclub on Saturday night. We danced for a bit then she goes, care to come to my flat for a drink?
I walk in and the place is a fucking dump. There's fucking mold on the wals, the furniture looks like it's third hand, the loo smelled like something had died in it, you get the picture.
Not to mention she lives with four other people. She says "I just moved in; I know it's horrible the people here are slobs".
As we came in one of them was in the kitchen eatings beans and toast. She says "I'll be back in a bit" and I'm left alone with this poor soul who I can only describe as very unkempt. A pathetic skinny little c
unt with wide eyes and thinning hair who has a t-shirt on saying "muscle monster". I'm thinking what the fuck is this boy on?
He looks at me strangely until I ask him, got a problem pal? He says, you're the fourth guy she's brought in this week, I tell him, I'll make sure to come back next week with two of my mates. His face goes red he says, you just make sure to stay away from the blue towel in the bathroom. I was thinking up something sarcastic to say when she comes back and we grab a bottle of wine and go to her room. Which was next to this little prick's room.
What's with the skeleton in your kitchen, I goes. He thinks he's Colin Farrel, she replies. More like Farrel's pikey brother, I says. He tried to get me to bed when I first moved in, she says. I ignored him and he's been totally passive-aggressive every since.
We had a mighty good laugh at that.
I shagged her five times that night, trying to make as much noise as possible. She urged me on saying, you can be as loud as you like, Jamie is the only person in, the other guys are away. I say, he won't be bothered? She says, he's probably wanking over pictures of black bodybuilders right now
In the morning I went and had a royal shower- Before I left I made sure to wipe my arse with his towel and use his toothbrush to comb through my pubic hair