Im reflecting tonight... .. as some of you know, i had a major life change this past year. Some time Between Feb 8, 2012, and March 6, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior.. i say some time between, because, there were a few "key dates".. and im not positive which one is the one that counted!.. i got a bible Feb 8, I said the words Feb 15, I had a preacher pray over me Feb 22 and i THINK it was Feb 29 that i said "God Loves Me" and KNEW it to be true... which would make sence, on a leap year and all, lol , anyway, Makkie was Born March 6, I was Born again a week before.. ill go with that!
So you all know it happened, but few know what lead up to it... and ive been a little quiet about it, but i feel the need Today, to write this..
Now, its pretty common knowledge that i competed in fitness, then went on to Bodybuilding, then did physique.. and alot of people know that last year at this time, i was pretty sick. soo here's whay played out (and yeah, the two DO go hand in hand)
Aug 2010 i competed at Canadian Nationals in Fitness. I weighed 118 lbs. I went into that show on a bit of oral anabolic steroid, which i had been taking for about a year. Around the same time, my vision started failing, i thought i needed new glasses. I was going through a breakup from an 8 year relationship at the time, My daughter was planning on moving out, and my family didnt speak to me.. all in all.. it was the beginning of a rough year.. I DID look amazing that show tho!! and placed 6th in Canada in Fitness
Oct 2010, I decided i wanted to do Bodybuilding. The Natural step was to get bigger, i wanted to get bigger, fast.. I started using more oral anabolics. My vision was getting worse. I booked an eye exam
Dec 2010- I was on track for my March 2011 Bodybuilding debut! I was growing, hit 130 lbs, and was getting stronger.. My eye doctor found something wrong with my eyes, and booked me in for an appointment with a specialist which was scheduled in Jan 2011
Jan 2011.. on track for show.. eye appointment confirmed "sentral serous retnopathy" and fluid buildup on cysts behind my left eye causing aprox 50% vision loss and on my right eye causing 25% vision loss
Feb 2011... Kitzi moved to Florida (jan 28 actually), I was taken off work because of vision loss, left eye ended up with another cyst.. Doctors told me to stop steroids, to stop lifting weights, and to lower cortisol..
March 2011, Kitzi Cracked her head open in Florida, I had a serious car accident, and won womens lightweigh in manitoba a week later.. Kitzis hospital bill was $58,000 dollars, I flew to Florida soon as i could, and she (praise God) was ok... I then had a crazy low end drug dealer try to kill me and steal 5 grand from me
May 2011, decided i was dying.. was told i had `cushings disease` and decided i was just going to sell everything i owned and start life over again, or die.. didnt really matter at that point.
June 2011, Moved to Toronto.. was losing my licence because of my vision, was supposed to take medication for the thyroid disorder, decided to try to put on enough muscle to win a bodybuilding show in ontario instead.. end of June, i started injectable anabolics, orals, and Growth Hormone
July 2011, Found out Kitzi was going to be a Mom
August 2011, body became toxic.. Bleeding started, and total meltdown.. lungs started filling with fluid, coughing blood, bleeding from rectum, from nose, from all my moles.. my eyes were so bad i would go competely blind when i lifted weights... Oh, and Kitzi moved in with me and so did Justin.. so, I up my anabolic usage (cuz that makes sence) and spiral further down hill.. i believe this was when i tore my bicep tendon, the pain was sick.. and i still lifted!! Oh. yeah.. i also got sued by my ex (from a year earlier) for 38, 000.00..
Sept 2011, was growing.. hit 155 lbs.. thick, sick, and stupid.. was a very stressful time..
Oct 18, 2011.. 156 lbs.. sick, blind.. depressed
Oct 2011.. had a fight with my very pregnant daughter.. she tiold me i was crazy.. she was right.. she toled me i had changed, she was right.. she tiold me if i didnt quit the drugs, i would never see her again, and id never know my grand daughter.
October 21, 2011.. My LAST shot.. at the end of my abuse, i was taking a toxic combination of anabolics.. i didnt even know whaf of what i was taking.. 40 mg of anavar, 3 units of GH, 20 of Nolvadex and oral winny and proviron every day.. IGF1, some crap to keep me tanned, tren deca masteron.. equipoise.. i dont even know what else... I can imagine the criticism im going to get.. `you didnt do it healthy`.. `you did too much too fast`.. this was all on Coaches Advice.. yup.. i should have learned more.. Yup I accept responsability for making an uninformed decision.. Yup i was stupid.. and yup, I didnt care.. i just wanted to get bigger!! I just wanted to win! I didnt at the time make the connection that the drugs were what was hurting me.. even tho 3 doctors told me so... but on oct 21, 2011, i did my last shot.. then things went from bad.. to worse
I decided i was going to Compete in November.. I went into that show looking like CRAP.. but clean.. it was awesome to get messages from my `friends`telling me how lousy i looked, and how with just a bit of var i could have tightened that up.. or maybe some clen and t3!!
October 2011, i also started training a new client.. her name was Julie.. She was Christian.. She asked me one day if she could pray for me.. I said `yes please`and she did... and i am POSITIVE that God had his hand on my shoulder.. because the depression from comming off steroids is the GROSEST thing i have ever experienced in my life. I actually stood on an overpass counting seconds for my spit to hit a semi.. and i was ready to jump on the 401 at Victoria park.. but i had Gabee with me.. and the eyes of Jesus looked at me thorugh my doggie.. and i couldnt take her with me.. and i didnt want to leave her.. so i went home and sat in my closet for a day and a half shaking .. the pressure behind my eyes was excruciating.. the physical side affects from comming off the steroid were cravings... shakes, hair loss, suicidal thought, self inflicing pain, and depression.
I made it through November, and in December, Julie, My awesome friend.. was a regular at the gym.. she would come every day!! and every day, that little spark of jesus in her was a bit of light in a dismal world.. she would drop little seeds of faith, scripture, little lessons, and she worked HARD in the gym!! I was getting stronger spiritually, mentally, she was getting stronger physically!
Jan 2012, Jules grabbed me one day and DEMANDED satan out of my eyes... the pain of the withdrwal has decreased, and i felt pretty good.. i was still training, but for the most part my symptoms were decreasing, excpet my vision.. i was at the point i had to transfer my manitoba licence to ontario, and i cheated on the vision test, but i had to go in for a retake beccuse manitoba sent my records, and it was all catching up to me... i was going to lose my liscence (i had already lost my commercial drivers) anyway, Jules laid hands on me and prayed .
Beginning of Feb (see above.. Feb 8 i got my first bible).. well another key date in there.. I went to Dr Kertes, who is a leading retnal specialist in the country at sunnybrook hospital.. i was under his care for my eyes.. i had to get the tests done.. kitzi went with me.. she was VERY pregnant.. like ready to pop... My little Doctor sent me to the lab for a second set of eye ball pictures... because he thought they had sent up the wrong ones.. so, second round of pics, and he declared.. my eyes.. CURED!!!!!!! not `better`but Cured!
now i had `thought`i was seeing better.. but the cysts were (are) GONE.. my retna, reattatched on thier own!.. Feb was the date i was to be scheduled for surgery, instead, i was CLEARED..
In March Makkie was Born, Kitzi turned 19, and i was Born again.. the rest, has been just as crazy, but POSITIVE, instead of negative stuff!
I am 3 days away from being completely off drugs for one full year. I went into Provincials June 2012, without even a fat burner.
The Reason i am writing this is testimony to Jesus Healing powers and Gods Grace and Forgiveness.. It doesnt matter how bad you screwed up.. He Loves You!! He Always has! He always will...
I am 3 days away from being a year removed from not caring if I live or die... My Life was over.. Jesus Sacrifice gave it back to me.. so now, I give it to Him.. God is My Judge.. Jesus Paid for my sins.. I am as Clean and innocent and loved as my little Grandbaby... we are both learning to walk!! Me in My Love walk of Faith, Her with her first little steps of any child.. That innocence.. we share.. In The Fathers eyes...
My Life was Void.. I FREELY Give it to Him..
God worked a miracle.. He does them every day.. Dont be too blind to see...
Amazing Grace.. How sweet the sound, To save a Wretch like me!... I once was Lost, but now im found, was Blind But Now I see.
Thank You God.. For loving me.. Thank You Jesus for ONE DROP of your Blood, thank you Julie, for your prayer.. Thank you Kitzi, for sticking by me, and Thank you Mackenzie, for learning to walk, and falling down, and showing me that even when a baby falls, thier Granny (my heavenly Father) still loves you (me) just as much
If your life is no different today than it was a year ago.. If you are making the same mistakes, and the same things are troubling you.. Try a different Path.. its the only way to get to a different destination
God Loves You... and So Do I!!!