this is serious 'no one' for a minute speaking.
man been reading your posts but quoted this one to get the ball rolling. you and I are quite a bit alike- I'm not emotionally open- I don't say nice things or show a lot of affection. I do nice things. that's how I show I care. because I'm emotionally detached sex has always been a high priority for me in a relationship because it's the only time I open myself up emotionally. it's my outlet cause I'm not built to show it the way most people can for some reason. I say outlet because I need to let my partner know that I am emotionally attached to them even though I might not 'show' it. i say need to let my partner know because it's a purging of some nature for me. so I understand your priority on sex. plus add in our hormones and biological drives on top of that.
what you gotta understand bro, and I don't know if you do- I get the sense you don't- you gotta understand that you are not the problem here. the way 'you look' at different times is not the problem here. your wife is the problem here. and you can't fix that. you can't fix her. she needs to fix herself. her aversion to being physical with you is not normal nor is it fair to you. the way you look is an excuse to not be physical which makes it, in a way, your fault, not hers (she likes the abs but is intimidated). she's not taking ownership for her lack of desire. so you then think ok, well maybe the problem is me. maybe I can change something. right? right. the problem isn't you bro.
there is nothing that you are going to do by yourself that is going to change a thing for the better. your in a tough spot here. if she's content with the way things are she'll resent you wanting to change that. it'll be your fault all over again that things aren't good enough. see how that works?
I've been down this road before. it doesn't end happily. what happens is resentment creeps in. it's unspoken and unsaid by both parties and it's like a cancer. it spreads out from the original issue into all aspects of the relationship. I already get the feeling there might be some of that already starting to manifest itself.
does it get better? I dunno. I always ended the relationship before we tore it do far apart that friendship was impossible. in fact to this day I have great relationships w my exs. several have told me I'd be the first person they'd come to if they were ever in trouble or needed help. then again I was never married. that adds a whole new dimension to things. but what are you going to do- live life unhappy cause you don't want to divorce? that's not noble. that's two people who aren't going to be friends in a few more years.
man I feel for you 100%. and btw there nothing 'beta' about loving your wife so don't for a minute think so.
Wow...you and I have a lot in common too. I doubt we'll ever meet in real life, and if we did, we'd probably never say this shit to each other, but I'm glad we get to talk to each other here at least. I can tell you this; if I ever run into you, first beer is on me. Even as a card carrying male, you gotta talk about shit once in a while with someone.
That's refreshing and reassuring, to say the least. There's probably a lot of guys like us; guys who have a hard time opening up, and just want a girl to lay down with us and understand that us doing that, with them, is the primary way we show affection and commitment. But of course, there's a lot of women out there who aren't wired that way. '
Hence, men from mars, women from venus, and all that other dime store psychology.
I guess what's not refreshing is the potential outcome you've laid out - it is kind of scary. Not that you were trying to scare me, but I don't like thinking about life without her or the kids. Of course, I know that's certainly a potential outcome if things get bad. As you rightfully pointed out, there are feelings of resentment and distance that creep in when I'm not able to connect physically (seeing as how it's one of the few ways I feel good at showing her I care about her). But I'm trying real hard each day to push those to the background, and focus on ways to turn her on more.
I guess that's what it comes down to. I'm a guy, so naturally, I think like a guy. I think "shit, if I were a woman, I'd want a man who's all jacked up". So I focus on that. It hasn't really worked with her. Then I think "well, if I were a woman, I'd want a man who makes all kinds of money". So I do that; hasn't really changed the bedroom scene much. I know she enjoys the safety of money, but that hasn't translated to the boudoir, so to speak. Then I think "well, if I act all aloof and like I don't need sex, then she'll want it more because she'll see I'm not so desperate." That hasn't worked; she has way more patience than I do, and I just sit there and watch the pot boil. She'll go a month or more if I don't act.
I'm really trying now, more than ever, to show her I care using language I think she'll be receptive to. I'm trying to look at it through her lens. I'm doing more chores around the house, so she's not so exhausted by it all; I'm getting the kids out from underneath her feet more, so she's given time to feel like a woman instead of a mom. I'm trying to support her professional growth so she's allowed to nurture those aspirations. Of course, I don't get a lot out of doing those things personally (well, I like spending time the kids), but I'm hoping she does and there's a recognition there. It's kind of my last straw. I don't have much else I can do, do I?
I mean, what would I try next? And this is not rhetorical; I will try anything that's reasonable. Knowing getbig, I realize what I've just asked with this question, so I anticipate some good lol's too.
If it's as you say, that the problem is her drive doesn't match mine, then we are indeed mismatched. That's pretty spooky. I did commit to her, for better or worse. I assume that "worse" can mean that her drive doesn't match mine, and never will. And that it's my job to be ok with it. I guess that's just not how I anticipated going through the prime of my life; I'd do it for her if I had to, because she's my best friend and I'll do anything for my friends. That's a sacrifice, but there are harder sacrifices one can make.
When I run out of options, I'll go the pharmaceutical route. Get on something to keep my anabolic, but also use something to kill the sex drive. I have no idea what that would be. But I do know I'm not walking out because she's not hot for me in the bedroom. If it is that her and I don't match, there will need to be some other strength to the relationship to keep us together. Even if it's just to make sure the kids grow up with mom and dad together in a loving household. There's enough screwed up kids out there without me adding a few more to the mix. And she's a great person; she doesn't deserve to have her life turned upside down because I'm not getting laid.
And of course, I know you're not telling me to leave my wife. I guess I'm really responding to the frankness of your post with my own heartfelt emotion. Trust me when I tell you; your words have really hit home.
Oh, and to AJ. I tried some stuff yesterday about trying to vocalize more of what I'd like. It didn't go too well. The minute we sat down to watch TV, I started with a little foot rub, which she always likes. The first words out of her mouth (predictably); "oh, I'm not horny tonight". To which I said, "hey, that's ok. How about you get a foot rub, and then I get a massage. Just want to be close". And then she said "no thanks. Not tonight. Why don't you fire up the computer."
At which point, I think I commented that I had no idea I'd married a eunuch. I think that might have been a tad overboard. LOL. Hey, I'm trying too here...cut me some friggin slack! LOL!.
