i don't think i can add any muscle, at least not without adding fat. and i hate fat. ever since i was a little kid, i was afraid of getting fat.
i prefer this look, honestly, to any other i've been able to achieve. except: i'm bloated throughout the week. my ankles/legs are constantly swollen. the swelling only seems to go down when i get enough sleep -- ordinarily i get about 5 hours. i've slept over 50% of the past two weekends.
while i like the way i look, i can't say the same about the way i feel. undeniably, i'm weak, but mentally in disarray, as well. my only question is whether i feel this way because of how i lift and eat, or because of other circumstances in my life. it's hard to sort the two out, as i'm in a bad place in more ways than one.
i'm depressed by the possibility that this level of leanness may be inherently unhealthy for me, especially as plenty of other people seem to be just as lean to no ill effect. also, i was just about as lean earlier in my life (a decade ago), though i'm not really sure how much happier i was then, to be honest.
all that said, i'm continuing to adjust. i've cut down the cardio a bit, put time limits on my workouts, and stopped writing down every calorie i eat. i'm not planning to binge anymore, and i'm finding ways to get more sleep. thanks for all the advice, everyone.
ultimately, i hope this thread is entertaining for all, at least.
