Thanks for the replies, everyone. Tapeworm, I particularly liked yours.
I'm taking a week off work, and the thoughts are just flooding in. I don't know where to start, so I'm just going to write -- I HAVE to write.
As many of you who follow my other threads probably know, I've lost a lot of weight. When I started my job two years ago, I weighed about 200; last week I was 165.
At first, I was out the door in the morning and home again about 10 hours later. Then 12... now 14. Down to about 4.5 hours sleep on average.
Having a deep hatred of sedentary life, I quickly ordered a standing desk at work. Better than sitting, right? At first, I stood almost 100% of the time. Then my ankles started swelling, and I forced myself to sit for increasingly longer portions of the day. Now, I can't stand for more than 30-40 minutes TOTAL without brutal swelling. Furthermore, I hurt my achilles by squatting without proper warmup two weeks ago, and it just won't heal. An ankle injury by squatting... lol... that's how STIFF my whole body is.
I started doing more and more cardio to "compensate" for having to sit all day. At first it felt great, then slowly but surely, I started feeling like shit.
Weaker and weaker, I chose to do less and less. I would get home and just start cooking: I didn't want to take off my backpack, because I felt too weak to go up another flight of stairs and put it away. I didn't want to bend over to untie my shoes, because I was too stiff. I put off doing laundry til the last possible second, because I didn't want to spend the energy to go downstairs. And how SLOW I moved! Something as simple as putting a sheet back on my bed took many frustration-filled minutes.
In the morning, I didn't want to shave, because that meant bending down to reach the bottom drawer where I kept my lotion. I didn't want to get out of the shower, because the cold was too harsh. I was wearing sweatshirts in 90 degree weather due to chronically low body temperature.
Worse yet, however, is the mental price I pay for my job. I work in tech support and I'm 28 (to answer someone's earlier question). My work seems to me utterly worthless. Rather than face the neverending influx of support requests (most of which are hopeless, interminable and petty), nearly everyone in my position expends the minimum energy on customer support and focuses their instead on escape, or "career advancement".
So focused on escape, slowly but surely I cut everything out of my life which didnt bring me closer to the goal. Videogames, movies, books, hobbies... I haven't been able to focus on any of them for at least a year. I loved videogames most of all, and haven't played probably more than 15 hours total this year. I try to watch a movie here and there, or read a book on the bus home, but these activities are utterly joyless -- I'm overwhelmed by thoughts of work or the neverending list of chores that build up.
I feel little to no emotion anymore. Creative thought, which has always been my "pride and joy" has utterly left me. Well, not utterly -- I still find ways to spend most of my time working on side projects at work, though I struggle to justify their value to the business. I pour what little creative energy I still have into programming projects of little importance or interest.
Speaking of programming, I excelled in my computer science program and yet struggled with interviews. As a result, I took my present job (a far lowlier position) and yet still haven't been able to transition to programmer. A dozen friends from my graduating class, many of whom I tutored, now hold programming positions at my company, making far more money than me... you'd think this would motivate me, but I struggle to find any motivation to continue pursuit of this next "logical advancement".
I convinced myself I need to manage my time more carefully. I should bike into work, thereby skipping the horrendously slow bus and cutting out cardio from my routine. I would eat more, earlier in the day, and limit cooking -- simple meals, short prep, and limited grocery expense. I would get SLEEP.
Sunday night, though, I snapped -- trying to figure out how to implement all these plans at once made my head spin. Biking into work and doing some squats... sounded good on paper, but the thought made me sick. My knees were blown out -- while hungry, they feel like they're going to snap. Even walking around, I feel like a creaky 90 year old man after an hour or so. When I've eaten, I feel fine and full of energy -- but it's an illusion. As soon as I start to squat, run, etc. I quickly run into a wall. The pain is still there, only distant, muted.
I needed rest, and food. So here I am, on a REAL vacation at last. My prior vacations have all been filled with work, side projects I hoped might blossom into alternate business ventures. I've slept 12+ hours per day, ate 15000-20000 (not a typo) calories over the past 36 hours, and skipped my first workouts in probably over a year and a half. I've watched movies, read, ordered a monitor I can use to play some games on, and tried to "forget myself" until my ankle heals and I feel I can safely do some exercise again.
But still, I find myself wondering... will I have the energy to make sensible changes once I go back? Or do I take courage, and make the leap... quit without a plan?
A "huge mistake"? Or is the "huge mistake" being like so many other people, trapped in a life they hate? Is a "huge mistake" necessary, to develop the courage I need?
And for those who say I sound "depressed", no shit. For those who suggest medication, go fuck yourself. 99% of my coworkers use depression medication. It's called caffeine, and is supplied by the employer free of charge. One sip of that vile shit and you're perfectly content to sit on your ass doodling your life away. Nevermind provigil, adderall, and the like... oh, and lets not forget sugary treats while we're at it.
It's like saying to someone who keeps plunging his hand into a fire, "ah, but you need salves and bandages", as if plunging ones hand into a fire is perfectly normal and expected behavior.
Anyway, hate on, and thanks for reading.
Suicide is the only option for someone so beta....
The highlight of your day occurs when (rarely) someone expresses how funny they found one of your posts. I was like you once... some day, you'll get tired of such petty "thrills". Or perhaps not...
