Tell us about your experiences with sex and women

[Humble Narcissist]

Good man

When I was younger, I was the sort of guy that would have even banged the cancer lady out of Fight Club, so I know where you are coming from 

She was actually pretty hot.

[Kwon]

Always RAW here too, never used Condoms


Still alive, no Gon or Chlam or AIDS

[El Diablo Blanco]

Not sure I have enough ink my computer to type up all of the stories.

[FitnessFrenzy]

I remember once chilling with this broad I was banging a few times.. we were on her couch watching some shitty movie, and I was quite horny. She was not horny. Then there was a whole discussion about whether I was only dating her for sex or not. Ugh. I should probably just have went home and avoided the headache.

[WoogsRaven]

Always RAW here too, never used Condoms


Still alive, no Gon or Chlam or AIDS

Probably herpes, though.

[Automation]

Pulled a bird in a club, went back to her place, fucked her, she fell asleep, I was still high and drunk, thought: fuck this! I’m going back to the club, no money on me, called a cab, took £10 from her purse to pay for the cab, went back, met the lads, got even more wasted, pulled another girl, went back to hers, fucked her for hours, couldn’t cum, too high, fell asleep. Woke up, she wasn’t there, went to leave, her mum was in the kitchen, had cooked me a full English and called me a cab. I said: so sorry, but I’ve lost my wallet. She gave me £10 for the cab back to my mates place. Got back, did a load of cocaine and went out for an all day session. Needless to say; quite the hangover.

[Tapeworm]

When I was a young fella in Colorada I worked at a shootin range. A chick started there one day, just a touch of Goth in all black with black dyed hair but nice build, YWHI, and she decided I was Option A so that same afternoon she's in my 90s north Denver appartment because who am I to argue.

I can't recall how the tape player came to be in the bedroom but it was and before the act of congress she had put on a tape which she had brought with her. The Stray Cats. "Chasin' mice arouuuunnd..." Dreadful rockabilly stuff.

A day or two later she comes around again. Puts on the same tape. Day or two later again. Stray Cats again. This went on for a couple months. She put that Stray Cats tape on every single time. Every time. 

She's the only girl I've had sex with whose name I can't remember and I feel bad about that. She was nice and the sex was good and she was wonderfully no-strings about it. But always with the Stray Cats. To this day I don't know what to make of that.

I always meant to put on a Stray Cats tape of my own with a woman and see if it sent her cock-wild but never got around to testing the hypothesis.

[Taffin]

When I was younger, I was the sort of guy that would have even banged the cancer lady out of Fight Club, so I know where you are coming from 

She was actually pretty hot.

Could have probably talked her into anal too...

[Taffin]

Pulled a bird in a club, went back to her place, fucked her, she fell asleep, I was still high and drunk, thought: fuck this! I’m going back to the club, no money on me, called a cab, took £10 from her purse to pay for the cab, went back, met the lads, got even more wasted, pulled another girl, went back to hers, fucked her for hours, couldn’t cum, too high, fell asleep. Woke up, she wasn’t there, went to leave, her mum was in the kitchen, had cooked me a full English and called me a cab. I said: so sorry, but I’ve lost my wallet. She gave me £10 for the cab back to my mates place. Got back, did a load of cocaine and went out for an all day session. Needless to say; quite the hangover.

Fvck me that's a story!    Only way you could have improved on that is by banging the Mum (before eating the breakfast, so you didn't spew up on her)

Surely a thread winner right there?  I've got one, but it's a bit embarrassing - got to work myself up a bit...

[Tapeworm]

Does Mr. Brosnan make an appearance?

[FitnessFrenzy]

wes, you promised us a few stories... 

[JustPlaneJane]

While holidaying in some shithole town in Florida I met a vaguely familiar looking woman with large tits and questionable morals but after a few drinks she invited me back home for sex and though why not as was in holiday mood still in the back of my mind tying to put my finger on where I had seen her afore

We headed immediately to the bedroom and after passionate foreplay including prolonged eating of the pussy and ass she climbs on top and starts riding cowgirl position and she’s getting into it good and proper when she bounces a little too high and the tiddler slips out of her, almost instantly a feel it get guided back in but notice both her hands are still on my shoulder so I tentatively peer round and I see fucking Shizzo at the foot of the bed smiling and giving me the thumbs up and the penny finally drops as to who she is, She screams at him to get the fuck out and tells me it’s her brother shaun and he’s always up to sick twisted shit like this and can’t wait to move out. I pretend I don’t already know who he is and leave

Shizzo touched your dick ?

[B_MyT_2]

she was a ripper--Id venture to say she was extroverted

So some strippers really are doing it to "pay for college"?

She is an anomaly either way.

[Humble Narcissist]

Could have probably talked her into anal too...

I wouldn't fuck a chic on chemo.  Your dick might fall off.

[ThisisOverload]

When I was a young fella in Colorada I worked at a shootin range. A chick started there one day, just a touch of Goth in all black with black dyed hair but nice build, YWHI, and she decided I was Option A so that same afternoon she's in my 90s north Denver appartment because who am I to argue.

I can't recall how the tape player came to be in the bedroom but it was and before the act of congress she had put on a tape which she had brought with her. The Stray Cats. "Chasin' mice arouuuunnd..." Dreadful rockabilly stuff.

A day or two later she comes around again. Puts on the same tape. Day or two later again. Stray Cats again. This went on for a couple months. She put that Stray Cats tape on every single time. Every time. 

She's the only girl I've had sex with whose name I can't remember and I feel bad about that. She was nice and the sex was good and she was wonderfully no-strings about it. But always with the Stray Cats. To this day I don't know what to make of that.

I always meant to put on a Stray Cats tape of my own with a woman and see if it sent her cock-wild but never got around to testing the hypothesis.

I dated a Puerto Rican chick that always put music on when we fucked.

It was typically raggaeton or salsa music.

I learned a lot of Marc Anthony songs banging this chick.

[wes]

Actually if I post any of my stories, I`d just be reminded of how fucking old I got.

Let just say that this perverted bastard got as much pussy as possible.

It was my full time job and I put in tons of overtime!!

[ThisisOverload]

Good man

When I was younger, I was the sort of guy that would have even banged the cancer lady out of Fight Club, so I know where you are coming from 

I've "taken a few for the team" before.

Another good one.

It was 05/06 when online dating started to take off. I was meeting a lot of women but most of them weren't much to write home about. I met this chick who grew up in Moldova and she was cute with nice tittonas. We chatted for a few weeks and she was telling me how conservative she was and how she was looking for a "husband" not just dating. Typical.

First date we go out for seafood, she orders a bunch of oysters and continues to tell me about their aphrodisiac properties. I don't think much of it. Date goes good, she's pretty cool and asks me if i want to come over to her place for a glass of wine. We get there and she tells me to wait in my car for a few minutes. This turned into like 20 minutes and i was kind of getting annoyed.

She comes and gets me from the car, she lives in a nice condo in a rich part of town. We go inside and drink some wine, then she takes me outside on the top floor patio and there's like 100 candles lit, blankets and a red velvet bag. We start making out and she opens the bag, it's filled with sexy toys.

She looks me dead in the face and asks "do you have a problem with anal"? I paused because i wasn't sure if she meant me or her.

This chick was an absolute freak and liked to put on a show. It was amazing, there were no boundaries, ANYTHING went. I had to chill because she started asking me to choke her and slap her around, that's not something i'm into for legal reasons.

Anyway, it's like 3am and we go back inside. Her freaking mom is sitting on the couch drinking tea reading a book. I was like "what the fuck", she asked if we were having "fun" outside. Apparently it was her mom's place and she was very open minded.

Weird as fuck, i dated her for a few months and we used to smoke weed in her mom's house and have wild monkey sex all day. Then her mom would make us food and drinks. Fuckin weird people.

[evacnam]

I've "taken a few for the team" before.

Another good one.

It was 05/06 when online dating started to take off. I was meeting a lot of women but most of them weren't much to write home about. I met this chick who grew up in Moldova and she was cute with nice tittonas. We chatted for a few weeks and she was telling me how conservative she was and how she was looking for a "husband" not just dating. Typical.

First date we go out for seafood, she orders a bunch of oysters and continues to tell me about their aphrodisiac properties. I don't think much of it. Date goes good, she's pretty cool and asks me if i want to come over to her place for a glass of wine. We get there and she tells me to wait in my car for a few minutes. This turned into like 20 minutes and i was kind of getting annoyed.

She comes and gets me from the car, she lives in a nice condo in a rich part of town. We go inside and drink some wine, then she takes me outside on the top floor patio and there's like 100 candles lit, blankets and a red velvet bag. We start making out and she opens the bag, it's filled with sexy toys.

She looks me dead in the face and asks "do you have a problem with anal"? I paused because i wasn't sure if she meant me or her.

This chick was an absolute freak and liked to put on a show. It was amazing, there were no boundaries, ANYTHING went. I had to chill because she started asking me to choke her and slap her around, that's not something i'm into for legal reasons.

Anyway, it's like 3am and we go back inside. Her freaking mom is sitting on the couch drinking tea reading a book. I was like "what the fuck", she asked if we were having "fun" outside. Apparently it was her mom's place and she was very open minded.

Weird as fuck, i dated her for a few months and we used to smoke weed in her mom's house and have wild monkey sex all day. Then her mom would make us food and drinks. Fuckin weird people.

that is some fucked up shit

[GymnJuice]

I've "taken a few for the team" before.

Another good one.

It was 05/06 when online dating started to take off. I was meeting a lot of women but most of them weren't much to write home about. I met this chick who grew up in Moldova and she was cute with nice tittonas. We chatted for a few weeks and she was telling me how conservative she was and how she was looking for a "husband" not just dating. Typical.

First date we go out for seafood, she orders a bunch of oysters and continues to tell me about their aphrodisiac properties. I don't think much of it. Date goes good, she's pretty cool and asks me if i want to come over to her place for a glass of wine. We get there and she tells me to wait in my car for a few minutes. This turned into like 20 minutes and i was kind of getting annoyed.

She comes and gets me from the car, she lives in a nice condo in a rich part of town. We go inside and drink some wine, then she takes me outside on the top floor patio and there's like 100 candles lit, blankets and a red velvet bag. We start making out and she opens the bag, it's filled with sexy toys.

She looks me dead in the face and asks "do you have a problem with anal"? I paused because i wasn't sure if she meant me or her.

This chick was an absolute freak and liked to put on a show. It was amazing, there were no boundaries, ANYTHING went. I had to chill because she started asking me to choke her and slap her around, that's not something i'm into for legal reasons.

Anyway, it's like 3am and we go back inside. Her freaking mom is sitting on the couch drinking tea reading a book. I was like "what the fuck", she asked if we were having "fun" outside. Apparently it was her mom's place and she was very open minded.

Weird as fuck, i dated her for a few months and we used to smoke weed in her mom's house and have wild monkey sex all day. Then her mom would make us food and drinks. Fuckin weird people.

When do we hear about part 2 where you bang the mom?

[Mothballs]

I’m visiting New Orleans for the first time and we find ourselves at some dive bar surrounded by black folks. We’re shooting billiards and some humongous black chick starts flirting with me. I mean HUGE. She’s at least 350lbs no joke. Now I’m no prize but I usually date 5s and 6s. This beast was a solid zero. So I’m drinking and flirting back just for fun and before you know it I’m sitting on her lap and she’s now buying the drinks. I jokingly tell my buddy I’m pretty sure this chick is gonna kill me if I don’t fuck her. He says if you do and bring me proof I’ll pay for the flight back to Cleveland.

That’s like $120. But aside from the money a part of me starts wondering ‘When was the last time this orca whale got laid?’ I mean she was absolutely horrendous monstrously obese and horribly sweaty and  all. And she was being soooo nice to me that I started thinking about it in a charitable kind of way. So I when she asks me to come back to her place I accepted and immediately regretted my decision when we pulled up to what looked like an abandoned home and we had to go around the back and go into the basement where a filthy mattress sat on the floor next to a milk crate. I immediately panicked and thought I was about to be mugged. Then I realized she might be a prostitute and this was her flop house.

I tried to get out of it by telling her I didn’t have any condoms and I didn’t want to get her pregnant but this bitch was two steps ahead of me. ‘I’m already pregnant,’ she laughed as she led me by the hand down onto the filthy floor. Did I mention it smelled like raw sewage. I remember it smelled so bad that when I put my face close to her sweaty nasty armpits it was actually a relief.

I thought at least she might go down on me and I could bust one and make a run for it but again I was drunk and she was thinking nine moves ahead like Kasparov. So she just casually takes off her sweat soaked purple leggings and black thong and spreads her legs and yells ‘EAT ME, SUGAR!’

I was so stunned I couldn’t decide whether to vomit or die laughing. But somehow, I obeyed and began lapping up her puddles of her Denny’s combo of fecal, sweat and vag juice. She came and immediately got up on all fours and shouted ‘NOW FUCK DAT PUSSY’. At this point I believe I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and just did what I was told. I’m in her sweaty smelly twat and thinking that since I didn’t serve in Vietnam like my dad, this will be the best war story I’ll ever be able to tell my nephews when they grow up.

I’m on autopilot at this point and I figure I may as well fuck her in the ass and cap off the night in heroic fashion so I look down and use every bit of my powerlifting lockout to spread her gigantic ass cheeks to find her asshole entrance. But to my shock and horror she didn’t have an anus...

...unless....

...I reach down below the hood with my fingers feeling around and using my Braille powers find a loose wet dripping pair of wizard sleeves. It hits me like a freight train...

I’M ALREADY IN HER ASS. IVE BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

I finish in her ass and collapse on top of her like a baby seal taking a nap on a Sperm whale. When I wake up the sun is up and I ready to make my getaway. But I still need proof for my friend so he doesn’t pull an Epic is Back and stiff me. So I get dressed, grab her thong and stuff it into my jeans and tiptoe towards the door hoping her snoring will cover up the sound of me opening all three locks on the door.

Again, I didn’t realize I had fucked Magnus Carlsen. I flip one dead bolt and the snoring immediately stops. I FREEZE.

“I know you ain’t stealing my damn thong!”

I tell her I was on my way to get coffee and forgot about them and pulled them out and tossed them to her.

“if you goin to Dunkin’ Donuts can you gemme three jelly donuts?”

Sure I say. I walk out of that dungeon up the stairs and I swear Andy DuFresne had absolutely nothing on me. I jumped for joy and then immediately tried to figure out where the nearest place to charge my flip phone could possibly be. New Orleans is a shithole and I had to be in the shittiest part of the dirtiest city.

I finally had to borrow someone’s phone on the street and call my friend to come get me. He picks me up and I tell him the flight home is on him. He of course asks for proof and I tell him to smell my fingers. Not good enough, he tells me.

So in the end I paid my own way home but a few months later he finally paid up.

AFTER I showed him my positive herpes test results.

Solid dude kept his word!

[Dave D]

I’m visiting New Orleans for the first time and we find ourselves at some dive bar surrounded by black folks. We’re shooting billiards and some humongous black chick starts flirting with me. I mean HUGE. She’s at least 350lbs no joke. Now I’m no prize but I usually date 5s and 6s. This beast was a solid zero. So I’m drinking and flirting back just for fun and before you know it I’m sitting on her lap and she’s now buying the drinks. I jokingly tell my buddy I’m pretty sure this chick is gonna kill me if I don’t fuck her. He says if you do and bring me proof I’ll pay for the flight back to Cleveland.

That’s like $120. But aside from the money a part of me starts wondering ‘When was the last time this orca whale got laid?’ I mean she was absolutely horrendous monstrously obese and horribly sweaty and  all. And she was being soooo nice to me that I started thinking about it in a charitable kind of way. So I when she asks me to come back to her place I accepted and immediately regretted my decision when we pulled up to what looked like an abandoned home and we had to go around the back and go into the basement where a filthy mattress sat on the floor next to a milk crate. I immediately panicked and thought I was about to be mugged. Then I realized she might be a prostitute and this was her flop house.

I tried to get out of it by telling her I didn’t have any condoms and I didn’t want to get her pregnant but this bitch was two steps ahead of me. ‘I’m already pregnant,’ she laughed as she led me by the hand down onto the filthy floor. Did I mention it smelled like raw sewage. I remember it smelled so bad that when I put my face close to her sweaty nasty armpits it was actually a relief.

I thought at least she might go down on me and I could bust one and make a run for it but again I was drunk and she was thinking nine moves ahead like Kasparov. So she just casually takes off her sweat soaked purple leggings and black thong and spreads her legs and yells ‘EAT ME, SUGAR!’

I was so stunned I couldn’t decide whether to vomit or die laughing. But somehow, I obeyed and began lapping up her puddles of her Denny’s combo of fecal, sweat and vag juice. She came and immediately got up on all fours and shouted ‘NOW FUCK DAT PUSSY’. At this point I believe I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and just did what I was told. I’m in her sweaty smelly twat and thinking that since I didn’t serve in Vietnam like my dad, this will be the best war story I’ll ever be able to tell my nephews when they grow up.

I’m on autopilot at this point and I figure I may as well fuck her in the ass and cap off the night in heroic fashion so I look down and use every bit of my powerlifting lockout to spread her gigantic ass cheeks to find her asshole entrance. But to my shock and horror she didn’t have an anus...

...unless....

...I reach down below the hood with my fingers feeling around and using my Braille powers find a loose wet dripping pair of wizard sleeves. It hits me like a freight train...

I’M ALREADY IN HER ASS. IVE BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

I finish in her ass and collapse on top of her like a baby seal taking a nap on a Sperm whale. When I wake up the sun is up and I ready to make my getaway. But I still need proof for my friend so he doesn’t pull an Epic is Back and stiff me. So I get dressed, grab her thong and stuff it into my jeans and tiptoe towards the door hoping her snoring will cover up the sound of me opening all three locks on the door.

Again, I didn’t realize I had fucked Magnus Carlsen. I flip one dead bolt and the snoring immediately stops. I FREEZE.

“I know you ain’t stealing my damn thong!”

I tell her I was on my way to get coffee and forgot about them and pulled them out and tossed them to her.

“if you goin to Dunkin’ Donuts can you gemme three jelly donuts?”

Sure I say. I walk out of that dungeon up the stairs and I swear Andy DuFresne had absolutely nothing on me. I jumped for joy and then immediately tried to figure out where the nearest place to charge my flip phone could possibly be. New Orleans is a shithole and I had to be in the shittiest part of the dirtiest city.

I finally had to borrow someone’s phone on the street and call my friend to come get me. He picks me up and I tell him the flight home is on him. He of course asks for proof and I tell him to smell my fingers. Not good enough, he tells me.

So in the end I paid my own way home but a few months later he finally paid up.

AFTER I showed him my positive herpes test results.

Solid dude kept his word!

Thank you for sharing, this is great story telling.

There have been some legit lol accounts on here. This is  the best thread in a long time

[AbrahamG]

I’m visiting New Orleans for the first time and we find ourselves at some dive bar surrounded by black folks. We’re shooting billiards and some humongous black chick starts flirting with me. I mean HUGE. She’s at least 350lbs no joke. Now I’m no prize but I usually date 5s and 6s. This beast was a solid zero. So I’m drinking and flirting back just for fun and before you know it I’m sitting on her lap and she’s now buying the drinks. I jokingly tell my buddy I’m pretty sure this chick is gonna kill me if I don’t fuck her. He says if you do and bring me proof I’ll pay for the flight back to Cleveland.

That’s like $120. But aside from the money a part of me starts wondering ‘When was the last time this orca whale got laid?’ I mean she was absolutely horrendous monstrously obese and horribly sweaty and  all. And she was being soooo nice to me that I started thinking about it in a charitable kind of way. So I when she asks me to come back to her place I accepted and immediately regretted my decision when we pulled up to what looked like an abandoned home and we had to go around the back and go into the basement where a filthy mattress sat on the floor next to a milk crate. I immediately panicked and thought I was about to be mugged. Then I realized she might be a prostitute and this was her flop house.

I tried to get out of it by telling her I didn’t have any condoms and I didn’t want to get her pregnant but this bitch was two steps ahead of me. ‘I’m already pregnant,’ she laughed as she led me by the hand down onto the filthy floor. Did I mention it smelled like raw sewage. I remember it smelled so bad that when I put my face close to her sweaty nasty armpits it was actually a relief.

I thought at least she might go down on me and I could bust one and make a run for it but again I was drunk and she was thinking nine moves ahead like Kasparov. So she just casually takes off her sweat soaked purple leggings and black thong and spreads her legs and yells ‘EAT ME, SUGAR!’

I was so stunned I couldn’t decide whether to vomit or die laughing. But somehow, I obeyed and began lapping up her puddles of her Denny’s combo of fecal, sweat and vag juice. She came and immediately got up on all fours and shouted ‘NOW FUCK DAT PUSSY’. At this point I believe I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and just did what I was told. I’m in her sweaty smelly twat and thinking that since I didn’t serve in Vietnam like my dad, this will be the best war story I’ll ever be able to tell my nephews when they grow up.

I’m on autopilot at this point and I figure I may as well fuck her in the ass and cap off the night in heroic fashion so I look down and use every bit of my powerlifting lockout to spread her gigantic ass cheeks to find her asshole entrance. But to my shock and horror she didn’t have an anus...

...unless....

...I reach down below the hood with my fingers feeling around and using my Braille powers find a loose wet dripping pair of wizard sleeves. It hits me like a freight train...

I’M ALREADY IN HER ASS. IVE BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

I finish in her ass and collapse on top of her like a baby seal taking a nap on a Sperm whale. When I wake up the sun is up and I ready to make my getaway. But I still need proof for my friend so he doesn’t pull an Epic is Back and stiff me. So I get dressed, grab her thong and stuff it into my jeans and tiptoe towards the door hoping her snoring will cover up the sound of me opening all three locks on the door.

Again, I didn’t realize I had fucked Magnus Carlsen. I flip one dead bolt and the snoring immediately stops. I FREEZE.

“I know you ain’t stealing my damn thong!”

I tell her I was on my way to get coffee and forgot about them and pulled them out and tossed them to her.

“if you goin to Dunkin’ Donuts can you gemme three jelly donuts?”

Sure I say. I walk out of that dungeon up the stairs and I swear Andy DuFresne had absolutely nothing on me. I jumped for joy and then immediately tried to figure out where the nearest place to charge my flip phone could possibly be. New Orleans is a shithole and I had to be in the shittiest part of the dirtiest city.

I finally had to borrow someone’s phone on the street and call my friend to come get me. He picks me up and I tell him the flight home is on him. He of course asks for proof and I tell him to smell my fingers. Not good enough, he tells me.

So in the end I paid my own way home but a few months later he finally paid up.

AFTER I showed him my positive herpes test results.

Solid dude kept his word!

I was laughing like a hyena reading this.  Jesus Christ dude.  Dave D is right.  This is one of the good ones.  Sorry about the herpes.

[Tapeworm]

Moth, I gave some charity to a chick from the Yukon who had a little Herman Munster going on but Im not even going to try to compete with that. You're Mother Teresa and I gave a homless dude some spare change. Goddamn you ate it?! You poor self sacrificing bastard. It's a dead heat between you and Christ on the cross after that testicle shriveling tale.

[FitnessFrenzy]

A few moldovan women for reference:

[Vince B]

I’m visiting New Orleans for the first time and we find ourselves at some dive bar surrounded by black folks. We’re shooting billiards and some humongous black chick starts flirting with me. I mean HUGE. She’s at least 350lbs no joke. Now I’m no prize but I usually date 5s and 6s. This beast was a solid zero. So I’m drinking and flirting back just for fun and before you know it I’m sitting on her lap and she’s now buying the drinks. I jokingly tell my buddy I’m pretty sure this chick is gonna kill me if I don’t fuck her. He says if you do and bring me proof I’ll pay for the flight back to Cleveland.

That’s like $120. But aside from the money a part of me starts wondering ‘When was the last time this orca whale got laid?’ I mean she was absolutely horrendous monstrously obese and horribly sweaty and  all. And she was being soooo nice to me that I started thinking about it in a charitable kind of way. So I when she asks me to come back to her place I accepted and immediately regretted my decision when we pulled up to what looked like an abandoned home and we had to go around the back and go into the basement where a filthy mattress sat on the floor next to a milk crate. I immediately panicked and thought I was about to be mugged. Then I realized she might be a prostitute and this was her flop house.

I tried to get out of it by telling her I didn’t have any condoms and I didn’t want to get her pregnant but this bitch was two steps ahead of me. ‘I’m already pregnant,’ she laughed as she led me by the hand down onto the filthy floor. Did I mention it smelled like raw sewage. I remember it smelled so bad that when I put my face close to her sweaty nasty armpits it was actually a relief.

I thought at least she might go down on me and I could bust one and make a run for it but again I was drunk and she was thinking nine moves ahead like Kasparov. So she just casually takes off her sweat soaked purple leggings and black thong and spreads her legs and yells ‘EAT ME, SUGAR!’

I was so stunned I couldn’t decide whether to vomit or die laughing. But somehow, I obeyed and began lapping up her puddles of her Denny’s combo of fecal, sweat and vag juice. She came and immediately got up on all fours and shouted ‘NOW FUCK DAT PUSSY’. At this point I believe I was suffering from Stockholm Syndrome and just did what I was told. I’m in her sweaty smelly twat and thinking that since I didn’t serve in Vietnam like my dad, this will be the best war story I’ll ever be able to tell my nephews when they grow up.

I’m on autopilot at this point and I figure I may as well fuck her in the ass and cap off the night in heroic fashion so I look down and use every bit of my powerlifting lockout to spread her gigantic ass cheeks to find her asshole entrance. But to my shock and horror she didn’t have an anus...

...unless....

...I reach down below the hood with my fingers feeling around and using my Braille powers find a loose wet dripping pair of wizard sleeves. It hits me like a freight train...

I’M ALREADY IN HER ASS. IVE BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME.

I finish in her ass and collapse on top of her like a baby seal taking a nap on a Sperm whale. When I wake up the sun is up and I ready to make my getaway. But I still need proof for my friend so he doesn’t pull an Epic is Back and stiff me. So I get dressed, grab her thong and stuff it into my jeans and tiptoe towards the door hoping her snoring will cover up the sound of me opening all three locks on the door.

Again, I didn’t realize I had fucked Magnus Carlsen. I flip one dead bolt and the snoring immediately stops. I FREEZE.

“I know you ain’t stealing my damn thong!”

I tell her I was on my way to get coffee and forgot about them and pulled them out and tossed them to her.

“if you goin to Dunkin’ Donuts can you gemme three jelly donuts?”

Sure I say. I walk out of that dungeon up the stairs and I swear Andy DuFresne had absolutely nothing on me. I jumped for joy and then immediately tried to figure out where the nearest place to charge my flip phone could possibly be. New Orleans is a shithole and I had to be in the shittiest part of the dirtiest city.

I finally had to borrow someone’s phone on the street and call my friend to come get me. He picks me up and I tell him the flight home is on him. He of course asks for proof and I tell him to smell my fingers. Not good enough, he tells me.

So in the end I paid my own way home but a few months later he finally paid up.

AFTER I showed him my positive herpes test results.

Solid dude kept his word!

Getbig Gold right there! No way any guy, even drunk, can have sex with a "Zero". Not buying the part that you went down on her. Funny story nevertheless.