If you knew a good friend was being beaten/abused by her BF/SO...

[Deedee]

what would you do?  Stay out of it? Call the cops? Or try to talk her into leaving? And what if getting involved might put you in danger too?

[ToxicAvenger]

tell a REALLY big friend with a chivalry complex...


a baseball to the back of the kness while so n so is leaving so n so club works wonders dahlin...

[knny187]

Very complicated matter.

My advice is not to offer advice. 


What I would do...is to get her to try & talk about it.....& have her draw her own conclusions on the matter. 

Ask questions about her happiness...her goals....what she see's for herself in the future.

If you get in the middle...you can be set up for the blame.  Typically...you'll have some pissed off BF wanting to beat your ass.  The beaten/abused GF will for some 'dumb' reason will defend him & take his side. 

Although I know you'll want to step in & intervene...you really shouldn't other than trying to 'support' her decision.  Winning her support can have a positive effect where she can draw her own conclusions about the matter.  If anything...suggest her to seek professional help.

Been in this type of situation SEVERAL times.  Usually an ex gf or friend of mine has a gf thats getting the tar beat out of them.  I've seen where someone tries to 'help' her escape the madness & it gets turned against her.

I've also have had friends that physically abused women.  I even had it happen to me in my own place where I stepped outside for a minute & when I walked back in...my friend was beating down a gf on the floor. 

Far from an expert on the matter eventhough I seemed to be around it a lot in the past.  I would just say be careful....be supportive....& don't make any strong recommendations....just remind her that she just needs to be happy.


 

[trab]

Bad situation all around. I believe Domestics are where Cops get hurt a lot. They don't know who's going to turn on them. Sticking your nose into a blow up is dangerous. End up with way more than you bargained for.

Just plain sucks. Lots of times seems its inevitable that it's failed and just aching for restraining order time.
They don't make bullet proof paper in any court house though. Have a plan to bail out when the guy is going to go off. Shame the bastard to his relatives/ friends. Go bail and stay the night w/ them, that'll detune some guys. Thing is they're usually so loaded they don't even see their own behavior.

[Laura Lee]

what would you do?  Stay out of it? Call the cops? Or try to talk her into leaving? And what if getting involved might put you in danger too?

I would beat the *%^* out of him and if I couldn't do it, I would get someone else to do it. 

Unfortunately Deedee if the girl doesn't leave on her own she probably isn't going to leave.  It may be fear, it may be shame, who knows.  You can only do your best to get her out of the situation by showing/telling her that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and that there are options.  My ex-husband was very abusive.  I left him the first time after he threw me into my sleeping baby (5 months old) daughters crib.  I grabbed her and ran for the door and he tried stopping me.  I had to hit him with a mini baseball bat to get away from him.  It was 3am and I was running down the street like a madman.  I was lucky enough that one of my neighbors worked a graveyard shift and was home with his door open.  I just ran in their house and slammed the door.  Scared the crap outta him.  I stayed away for a few days and my ex convinced me that he wouldn't do it again.  I went back, two weeks later he had me in a head lock and was punching my head.  I was able to pick up a crystal lighter and clocked him with it.  Again I had to flee, this time I didn't have time to grab my daughter.  I drove to my dad's station (he is a cop) and we went down with a fleet of police cars.  He threatened my dad that if anyone came to the door he would stab them.  When we got there...he was passed out on the couch and there was a knife by his side.  We snuck in and grabbed my daughter and I never went back. 

I will never stand for anyone putting their hands on me ever again.

[knny187]

I would beat the *%^* out of him and if I couldn't do it, I would get someone else to do it. 

Unfortunately Deedee if the girl doesn't leave on her own she probably isn't going to leave.  It may be fear, it may be shame, who knows.  You can only do your best to get her out of the situation by showing/telling her that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and that there are options.  My ex-husband was very abusive.  I left him the first time after he threw me into my sleeping baby (5 months old) daughters crib.  I grabbed her and ran for the door and he tried stopping me.  I had to hit him with a mini baseball bat to get away from him.  It was 3am and I was running down the street like a madman.  I was lucky enough that one of my neighbors worked a graveyard shift and was home with his door open.  I just ran in their house and slammed the door.  Scared the crap outta him.  I stayed away for a few days and my ex convinced me that he wouldn't do it again.  I went back, two weeks later he had me in a head lock and was punching my head.  I was able to pick up a crystal lighter and clocked him with it.  Again I had to flee, this time I didn't have time to grab my daughter.  I drove to my dad's station (he is a cop) and we went down with a fleet of police cars.  He threatened my dad that if anyone came to the door he would stab them.  When we got there...he was passed out on the couch and there was a knife by his side.  We snuck in and grabbed my daughter and I never went back. 

I will never stand for anyone putting their hands on me ever again.

Sad story Laura....

[Laura Lee]

Sad story Laura....

It was a sad and scary time of my life knny. 

[trab]

Cheri-A lot of girls (and even guys) dont have the guts to swing back. Glad you do. You didn't stick around for much of this, unfortunately some women are kind of trapped in a relationship. Bunch of kids and no good way to make money and need to care for those kids.  I dont like it when I hear that "Oh she enjoys that kind of treatment". Nobody I ever saw stuck in that does. Its usually the kids keeping them there. And split families hurt financially.

[Laura Lee]

Cheri-A lot of girls (and even guys) dont have the guts to swing back. Glad you do. You didn't stick around for much of this, unfortunately some women are kind of trapped in a relationship. Bunch of kids and no good way to make money and need to care for those kids.  I dont like it when I hear that "Oh she enjoys that kind of treatment". Nobody I ever saw stuck in that does. Its usually the kids keeping them there. And split families hurt financially.

I will never put myself in that situation again.    And I fear for those who are.   

I agree.  It's kids and fear that make women stay in an abusive relationship. 

[drkaje]

In general I would mind my own business. Interfering in things like that only lead to more problems. I have a friend married to a lunatic at this very moment. When he starts going on about her I say, "you're the only one who can change this situation" and change topics.

If it were a girl, she's be given the same advice. Now, if a friend left and the abuser showed up and started stuff.... he'd probably slip and have a bad fall or three in the driveway. That's different, taking responsibility for someone will only lead to dependence.

[knny187]

It was a sad and scary time of my life knny. 

I'm glad that you're alive.

Things like that...can go very ugly.  Your child could have been motherless with a father serving life in Prision.

I would still advise women on here...not to fight (unless you're in the middle of the struggle) or to instigate a fight.

Simply leave.  Don't get a big friend or a hit man to take out the abusive husband/boyfriend.  It will make matters even worse.

[knny187]

I dont like it when I hear that "Oh she enjoys that kind of treatment".

I agree with you....but it's been known that some abused women on a subconscious level... may have a connection or correlation from early abuse in the home.

This is why a pattern can be shown why some abused women only are involved with abusive guys.

So although I agree the statement "she enjoys that kind of treatment" is very wrong.....

but there is 'sometimes' a psychological connection

[trab]

THe last notable break up of this sort I've seen,, the wife also stuck around for the business that she worked very hard to build over the years. (Guy was big & really violent to wife and little kids)
Their social circle had some bearing to. Wouldn't want to embarrass those nice people who think so highly of this animal.
In the end he managed to basically steal most of the assets before the divorce anyway.

Today, Shes of the opinion like that credit card commercial.... "A couple million bucks, Oh well; Getting rid of him PRICELESS!" This guy was brutal. Also pretty much untouchable because of who he is. 
 

[Butterbean]

what would you do?  Stay out of it? Call the cops? Or try to talk her into leaving? And what if getting involved might put you in danger too?

If I felt her life was in imminent danger, I think I'd call the cops. 

What do you mean by getting involved?  Confronting him?


For her....
Be available to listen to her.
Let her know it's not her fault that it's happening and she doesn't deserve it.
Reinforce the positive aspects of her and her life......Build up her self-esteem....the abuser has probably spent time smashing it into the dirt.
Explain to her how she'd be fine without him, in fact, better without him.
Suggest counseling for her.
(For some of us) Pray for her and explain how much she is worth in other's and God's eyes.

Ask questions about her happiness...her goals....what she see's for herself in the future.
 

This is good!

Unfortunately Deedee if the girl doesn't leave on her own she probably isn't going to leave. 

Realize this is a fact.

[Deedee]

THANKS everyone for responding!!! I didn't really think I would get any posts for a few days.

I haven't seen this girl in a year, but it came up in the convo a few weeks ago, and now I keep thinking about her and wonder how she's doing.  She kind of drifted away from our group of friends, but I'd like to call and hope she's okay.

I only talked to her about it once back then, and think she was ashamed and that's why she distanced herself. I doubt he ever went so far as to break any bones, but sometimes she'd show up at the gym with these huge, really purple-black bruises on her arms. She lied about them, but finally once admitted that when he got really angry and/or liquoured up, he'd smash her into a wall... once he picked her up and literally threw her into a closet. Another time, down a small flight of stairs. She had no real answer why she stayed... A mutual friend who volunteered at a woman's shelter said that it really wasn't unusual for men to show up there looking for their wives, etc... and that friends who interfered often became another outlet for the rage. I feel badly that we didn't do more, but I think we were also leery about getting involved in something very dark. It was probably wrong. 

[Deedee]

I would beat the *%^* out of him and if I couldn't do it, I would get someone else to do it. 

Unfortunately Deedee if the girl doesn't leave on her own she probably isn't going to leave.  It may be fear, it may be shame, who knows.  You can only do your best to get her out of the situation by showing/telling her that she doesn't deserve to be treated that way and that there are options.  My ex-husband was very abusive.  I left him the first time after he threw me into my sleeping baby (5 months old) daughters crib.  I grabbed her and ran for the door and he tried stopping me.  I had to hit him with a mini baseball bat to get away from him.  It was 3am and I was running down the street like a madman.  I was lucky enough that one of my neighbors worked a graveyard shift and was home with his door open.  I just ran in their house and slammed the door.  Scared the crap outta him.  I stayed away for a few days and my ex convinced me that he wouldn't do it again.  I went back, two weeks later he had me in a head lock and was punching my head.  I was able to pick up a crystal lighter and clocked him with it.  Again I had to flee, this time I didn't have time to grab my daughter.  I drove to my dad's station (he is a cop) and we went down with a fleet of police cars.  He threatened my dad that if anyone came to the door he would stab them.  When we got there...he was passed out on the couch and there was a knife by his side.  We snuck in and grabbed my daughter and I never went back. 

I will never stand for anyone putting their hands on me ever again.

Good for thou Laura! I'd be willing to bet your life is a hundred times better today than your ex's ended up.

[Blockhead]

what would you do?  Stay out of it? Call the cops? Or try to talk her into leaving? And what if getting involved might put you in danger too?

You laides talk the talk but in reality...you ladies would try to sleep with that particular man.

 You would view him NOT as an as shole but as sexy and 'bad'.

  Please!

[Deedee]

You laides talk the talk but in reality...you ladies would try to sleep with that particular man.

 You would view him NOT as an asshole but as sexy and 'bad'.

  Please!

I hated him... before I even knew about what was going on. He always had this condescending tude about everything, from politics to your choice of a meal in a restaurant.  And he always had this smirk on him too. He was a total schmuck.

[Blockhead]

I hated him... before I even knew about what was going on. He always had this condescending tude about everything, from politics to your choice of a meal in a restaurant.  And he always had this smirk on him too. He was a total schmuck.

Translation: I hated him so much I knew the only way to regain my balance and control in this game was to sleep with him...so I did what any normal girl would do. Got involved with him because I thought I could change him and then got hurt. \

EDIT:  Just messing around ladies!  I hate abusive punks!  Love you all!

[Deedee]

Translation: I hated him so much I knew the only way to regain my balance and control in this game was to sleep with him...so I did what any normal girl would do. Got involved with him because I thought I could change him and then got hurt.

Lol, what? I wouldn't get involved with another woman's man even if he was beyond hot. And nah, bad boys don't do it for me. Never have.  I have such a huge ego, it could never work. 

[Cavalier22]

girls never want to hear "be careful, your guy is a real jerk/asshole/tramp/is abusive/etc" 

they have to learn for themselves.  I no longer let myself get frustrated because girls don't want to listen until they learn the hard way.

[trab]

Translation: I hated him so much I knew the only way to regain my balance and control in this game was to sleep with him...so I did what any normal girl would do. Got involved with him because I thought I could change him and then got hurt.

I know one woman who regained her balance and control by putting a blast out of his own 12ga in his belly. Rather poetic really.

[24KT]

what would you do?  Stay out of it? Call the cops? Or try to talk her into leaving? And what if getting involved might put you in danger too?

Been there, ..done that. It's very hard. In my case, the abuser happened to be a friend, the son of a very prolific director. If I mentioned some of his films you'd freak because they are household names.  There wasn't really much I could do, ...she needed to make that decision on her own. I never saw any of the abuse, but she told me of it, and I saw how controlling he was. The problem for her was, she didn't have the money to leave him. As it was, she was dependant on him for everything, ...actually more so dependant on his parents, because it was his parents who were footing the bill for his luxury harbourfront condo, as well as all his bills. He was 16 and I'm not so much sure if it was a matter of him wanting to live with his girlfriend, or if it was his parents just didn't want him to live with them. In any event, they paid for him to have his own place. All I could do was simply gave her a safe place she could come to when she needed to get away from him.  Finally one day she decided she had had enough, and when he came home she was gone, ...so were all her clothes.

I didn't see the guy for another 5 yrs. Then one day, while working on the set of "Queer As Folk" I look up, and there he was. He'd grown up a bit... or so he claimed, he'd moved to BC with his family, finished University and was engaged to a new girl. He was back in the harbourfront condo with a new fiancé. Sure enough, in the fall of 2001, he calls me up crying his eyes out. Seems he came home and his fiancé wasn't there. She'd packed up all her stuff and moved out that afternoon. Seems to be a re-occurring pattern with him.

[Laura Lee]

Good for thou Laura! I'd be willing to bet your life is a hundred times better today than your ex's ended up.

My life is far better now, how could it not be?

He remarried has 3 more kids, gained 200lbs of fat, had a heart attack and then a stroke ... all before the age of 38.  He abuses his present wife, and has done so in front of my daughter several times, one time she had to take her 1/2 brothers and hide them in the bathroom (mind you this is all after telling her that he never touched me) and she, the wife denies he beats her.  He has thrown/furniture and etc around his place like they were nothing.  He is outta control.     And I am so glad he's out of my life. 

[trab]

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=576_1174529756

Dont click this if you cant handle some severe rage.
This video of a big Chicago area cop beating up a small woman bartender is sickening.
Before you get down on the bystanders, I believe the guy was armed.