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Author Topic: ... if he cheated on you?  (Read 7606 times)
BayGBM
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« on: April 10, 2007, 04:24:17 PM »

Could you forgive your man if he cheated on you?  The scenario is

a) it was a one time thing that happened 3-6 months ago and he confessed.

b)  you caught him with some evidence (a phone message, an email, a love note).  He confesses, ends it and says it will never happen again.

Could your relationshipship survive his infidelity under any circumstances?
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« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2007, 04:53:48 PM »

Yes. Not all circumstances, but every one is different.

Have learned a lot from my gay friends actually mostly, hertero men friends, and also, just seeing what goes on here. And, I'll leave it at that.  Smiley

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« Reply #2 on: April 10, 2007, 04:53:52 PM »

BGMs switch to teh 'brown side' revealed!
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« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2007, 05:28:46 PM »

Once a cheater, always a cheater.
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« Reply #4 on: April 10, 2007, 06:06:47 PM »

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

Even if it happened after, let's say, 20 years of marriage? I only say this because I am confident I have never been cheated on.  Smiley

But once did have this convoluted discussion about it, and we were at odds.  I thought a one time mistake was acceptable with a stranger and my other said, that was worse. That would mean something was missing, whereas if it happened with a friend that would be acceptable since at least there was a friendship which would excuse it.  But we both spoke out of our asses clearly, since we came to the conclusion it was unacceptable. And then, we talked about movies, and walked the dogs.  Smiley
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« Reply #5 on: April 10, 2007, 06:09:47 PM »

Been in those predicaments.....

honestly can say....It's not forgivable.  At first....you are crushed beyond belief & think maybe it can be worked out....but then your senses kick in & you say "nope...notta....go to hell."
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« Reply #6 on: April 10, 2007, 06:43:46 PM »

20 years, 20 minutes... it's all the same.
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« Reply #7 on: April 10, 2007, 08:39:53 PM »

Nope....sorry.  No exceptions

1 strike and you are out.

I, as a wife, NEVER play second to ANY OTHER FEMALE besides his mother.

If he can put me out of his head for the time it takes to do "his" thing....I can put him out of mine for good.
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« Reply #8 on: April 10, 2007, 09:40:46 PM »

Spoken like a woman after my own heart. Cheat once, ...you're out the door!  Angry
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w
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« Reply #9 on: April 11, 2007, 05:41:18 AM »

I would hope to forgive him.

But I wouldn't be able to live w/him or stay married to him.
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« Reply #10 on: April 11, 2007, 06:52:05 AM »

Whew!  You gals are rough!  You'd never make it as gay men.  LOL

Seriously, if I was cheated on, obviously, I'd be pissed, but it would not necessarily be the end.  If I wanted the relationship to continue it would be the beginning of a conversation to better understand the boundaries of our union.
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« Reply #11 on: April 11, 2007, 07:51:26 AM »

& yet everyone wonders why STD's & HIV runs rampant amongst the gay community

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« Reply #12 on: April 11, 2007, 08:34:52 AM »

For the same reason it is in the straight community: unsafe sex practices.  Unsafe sex once or twice does not give you moral standing over a gay man who does it 20 or 200 times.

Like pregnancy, STDs are not cumulative; anyone who got pregnant, fathered a child, or caught an STD did so because they had one unsafe sexual encounter--not twenty or two hundred. 

If you've had unsafe sex once then you've been irresponsible.
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« Reply #13 on: April 11, 2007, 08:43:10 AM »

yeah...but cheating & having multiple partners increase the chances   Roll Eyes

&

from a guys perspective....most guys DO NOT practice safe sex.  Gay men are 100% worse. 
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« Reply #14 on: April 11, 2007, 11:33:34 AM »

yeah...but cheating & having multiple partners increase the chances   Roll Eyes

&

from a guys perspective....most guys DO NOT practice safe sex.  Gay men are 100% worse

Are gay men not guys? Huh

Recent studies show that since the emergence of AIDs, gay men are more inclined to practice safe sex than are heterosexuals. By all means, heterosexuals practice 'birth control' more than gays, ...and some forms of birth control can be considered 'safe sex', but heterosexuals lag far behind homosexuals with regards to safe sex practices.
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« Reply #15 on: April 11, 2007, 12:03:33 PM »

Are gay men not guys? Huh

Recent studies show that since the emergence of AIDs, gay men are more inclined to practice safe sex than are heterosexuals. By all means, heterosexuals practice 'birth control' more than gays, ...and some forms of birth control can be considered 'safe sex', but heterosexuals lag far behind homosexuals with regards to safe sex practices.


sounds pretty far fetched

the machine would like to make us think that aids & STD's are on the decline
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« Reply #16 on: April 11, 2007, 02:33:31 PM »

yeah...but cheating & having multiple partners increase the chances   Roll Eyes

&

from a guys perspective....most guys DO NOT practice safe sex.  Gay men are 100% worse. 

I defer to your expertise on the behavior of gay men.  You apparently know far better than I. Wink
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« Reply #17 on: April 11, 2007, 03:18:10 PM »

My gay couple friends have been together since the dawn of time... but every now and then, they take separate "vacations." It seems to work, and they have a solid, great relationship.  But maybe that's because men in general can separate sex and love better than women.

Although, if I were married to someone for a very long time, say twenty years, I just don't think I would dump the relationship for an indiscretion. Besides, after all that time, it isn't as though hordes would be lining up to fill the dance card. Lol. However, if it happened after a year of being together, the signs would seem to indicate that the other person isn't trustworthy or "needs" too much.

My motto is, "keep little hands and minds busy."  It's the best deterrent there is.  Wink
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« Reply #18 on: April 12, 2007, 09:11:48 AM »

If you are in a one on one relationship..... then if you cheat you are history. Because it is obvious that the one that cheats is not worthy of your love, trust or respect. When one cheats all of those values are gone... If you are in a open relationship of course that would be different and the understanding would be there from the start. 
Why would some one want to be with some that does not respect them or is worthy of their trust and love.... it only takes once because that is only the time they were caught.... and the percentage very very high  that it would happen again just give it time..... 
Without trust and respect you don't have a relationship!!!!!! Lifre is about making choices... we make good ones and bad ones and are rewarded or pay the price....
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« Reply #19 on: April 12, 2007, 10:40:57 AM »

I like seeing both sides being discussed...& I find it admirable that people would admit saying that if they found out they were being cheated on, even if it means they were married for 20 years they would still stay together.

But personally...I don't care how many years were invested...I don't take lightly my self respect, love, & admiration.  Obviously the other person doesn't share the same feelings & I wouldn't get involved with someone unless our feelings were the same on the matter.  If those feelings were betrayed even for one time...I would not accept it.  If it was because of weakness, then my love wasn't strong enough.  I am a little "all or nothing".  I feel that I deserve nothing but "all or nothing".  It worries me when people think it's ok that maybe it happens once even if there was 20 years in the relationship.  I guess that means you think little of your own self worth.  Unless of course, you're keeping the options open for your own wrong doings.
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« Reply #20 on: April 12, 2007, 10:53:33 AM »

Are gay men not guys? Huh



some r guys....some r girls!  Grin
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« Reply #21 on: April 12, 2007, 11:48:18 AM »

some r guys....some r girls!  Grin

& thats the truth
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« Reply #22 on: April 12, 2007, 11:51:59 AM »

Could you forgive your man if he cheated on you?  The scenario is

a) it was a one time thing that happened 3-6 months ago and he confessed.

b)  you caught him with some evidence (a phone message, an email, a love note).  He confesses, ends it and says it will never happen again.

Could your relationshipship survive his infidelity under any circumstances?
no Angry
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« Reply #23 on: April 12, 2007, 12:13:35 PM »

I like seeing both sides being discussed...& I find it admirable that people would admit saying that if they found out they were being cheated on, even if it means they were married for 20 years they would still stay together.

But personally...I don't care how many years were invested...I don't take lightly my self respect, love, & admiration.  Obviously the other person doesn't share the same feelings & I wouldn't get involved with someone unless our feelings were the same on the matter.  If those feelings were betrayed even for one time...I would not accept it.  If it was because of weakness, then my love wasn't strong enough.  I am a little "all or nothing".  I feel that I deserve nothing but "all or nothing".  It worries me when people think it's ok that maybe it happens once even if there was 20 years in the relationship.  I guess that means you think little of your own self worth.  Unless of course, you're keeping the options open for your own wrong doings.

Yes, we're all different and I suppose see things as they are filtered through our own sensibilities.  I think I'm a very sensitive person, can look at someone and feel their pain or disappointment, and I understand the concept of longing, therefore like to err on the side of forgiveness.  I can't see spending twenty years with someone, loving them, making memories with them, and then suddenly shutting them out because they were weak, and fell to the human condition of longing one evening.  But then again, Americans tend to be much more puritanical about such things than people of other cultures... having been brought up in a French culture where passion and intensity are served next to your morning café allongé... it just would be a ridiculous, childish reason to end a loving relationship of twenty + plus years, particularly when after twenty years, no doubt you are more friends than lovers anyway.

As they say... Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas... the heart has its reasons, that reason doesn't understand.
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« Reply #24 on: April 12, 2007, 01:01:48 PM »

Yes, we're all different and I suppose see things as they are filtered through our own sensibilities.  I think I'm a very sensitive person, can look at someone and feel their pain or disappointment, and I understand the concept of longing, therefore like to err on the side of forgiveness.  I can't see spending twenty years with someone, loving them, making memories with them, and then suddenly shutting them out because they were weak, and fell to the human condition of longing one evening.  But then again, Americans tend to be much more puritanical about such things than people of other cultures... having been brought up in a French culture where passion and intensity are served next to your morning café allongé... it just would be a ridiculous, childish reason to end a loving relationship of twenty + plus years, particularly when after twenty years, no doubt you are more friends than lovers anyway.

As they say... Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît pas... the heart has its reasons, that reason doesn't understand.

Well, then I wouldn't feel sorry for any woman, or man, that has a situation like this 20 years in the marriage and thinking this way.  The human race has an incredible ability for love & passion.  We all have weaknesses, but being human we have the ability to make decisions.  We're never completely overcome by blindness...just ignorance.  We've also evolved to not just simply walk around like dogs & hump the next thing that walks by. 
Twenty years invested is no different that 2 years....4 years....10 years...in my opinion.  One year of my life is just as important as 10 years.  1 year of happiness is worth more than 15 years of happiness followed by 5 years of misery because the bastard can't keep their pants on.  Maybe financially I suppose can be a concern for some & thats why they stick it out.  Maybe 20 years of invested memories & life experiences....but at the cost of living with someone that has no respect for you?  No....the memories are now junk in my opinion. 
I've been in this position & can honestly say I do not for one second sit back & sigh about the old fond memories.  It was only 4.5 years of my life.  It would be no different than working at a job for 20 years & the company decides to reduce pay, position, etc...  I would simply look for a new job if I was unhappy with the one I had.
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