Today's Funnies

[Migs]

Today I was at a local bank cashing a check.
A man in a black hooded sweatshirt came in with a gun and held up the bank and recieved a large sum of cash. He was on his way out when the Mississippi Highway Patrol came in to arrest him. The man said to the troopers " I didn't rob any bank, just watch" The robber went to the man standing beside me and asked " did i rob this bank" the man replied yes. The robber pulled his gun and shot the guy dead. He went to the next guy and asked " did I rob this bank?" the man replied " yes." The robber shot that guy dead in his track. The robber walked up to me and asked " sir, did you see me rob this bank." I replied no but my wife did", and stepped to the side.

[Migs]

Joe was moderately successful in his career,
but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible
headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to
suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure
your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You
have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press
against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one heck of a
headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the
testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live
for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had
no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he
was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the
street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could
make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I
need, a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd
like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."
Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the
mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"
Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,...
34 sleeve and...16 and a half neck."
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the
collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about
new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and
said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide."
Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably
around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"
Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!"

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8."
Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"
"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked,

"How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said,
"Sure!"

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and
said, "Let's see...size 36." Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34
since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head and said, "You
can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the
base of your spine and give you one heck of a headache!"

[Migs]

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.. * This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex. * This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine ,and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex * This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say 'screw you.'

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex. * Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex. * This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[Migs]

not a giggle or a chuckle.  hrmph, you guys are heartless

[Butterbean]

chuckle


 
Subject: The Human Body


It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
 
One human hair can support 3 kg (6.6 lb).
 
The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.
 
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
 
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
 
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
 
Women blink twice as often as men.
 
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
 
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.
 
If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.
 
Women reading this will be finished now.
 
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

[Migs]

Thanks Stella 

Male/female Dictionary

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WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and needz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional, physical
and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled
in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from
rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that
hot babe took over the office one flight up.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to
another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings
with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking
off for a weekend with the guys.

BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing
manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out
with one's girlfriend.

ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers or three
stooges.

MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple
can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women
to boink.

REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to
another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels
every 2 minutes.

TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever
you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has
gone bad prior to tossing it out.

[w8m8]

[Butterbean]

 

[w8m8]

[Migs]

New Orleans Crabs.....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs

and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator.

He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible
for the crabs staying frozen, mentioning that he was a lawyer, and proceeded
to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his attitude.

Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce
to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New
Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:


1. Men never learn.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as some men think.

[Migs]

True Doctor Stories

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A man comes into the ER and yells, "My wife's going to have her baby in
the cab!" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's --dress,
and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there were
several cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
--Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio, TX


At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. Big breaths," I
instructed. Yes, they used to be," remorsefully replied the patient.
--Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle, WA



One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five
minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had
died of a "massive internal fart."
--Dr. Susan Steinberg, Manitoba, Canada



I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your right
eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. Now your left."
Again, a flawless read. Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both
his eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
--Dr. Matthew Theodropolous, Worcester, MA



During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his
medications. "Which one?" I asked. The patch. The nurse told me to put
on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!"
I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see.
Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions include
removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
--Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk, VA



While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have you been bed-ridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why, not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
--Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis, OR



I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So, how's your
breakfast this morning?" It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
--Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit, MI



A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing
female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously
formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle aged lady upon whom he was
performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed
him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I
tickling you? She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling
was - "'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener."
--won't admit his name

[Geo]

 
Women blink twice as often as men.
 

blinking is the bodys natural reaction when the brains thought process comes to a grinding halt

[Migs]

Why Dogs Are Better than Women

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Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs understand that farts are funny.

Dogs are excited by rough play.

Dogs like it when you leave lots of things on the floor.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs understand that instincts are better than asking for directions.

A dog's parents never visit.

The later you are, the more excited dogs are to see you.

A dog's time in the bathroom is confined to a quick drink.

Dogs like it when you leave the toilet seat up.

[Princess L]

Fixed

Why Dogs Are Better than Women MEN

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

Dogs understand that you are their master.

Dogs love it when your friends come over.

Dogs think you sing great.

Dogs don't expect you to call when you are running late.

Dogs don't mind when you shop.

Dogs don't want to know about every other pet you've had.

Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

Dogs ask for directions.

A dog's parents never visit.

The later you are from shopping, the more excited dogs are to see you.

Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.

Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.

Dogs don't criticize your friends.

Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and then never laugh at how you throw).

Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent, because they know the most important thing is that you're together.

Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.

You can train a dog.

Dogs understand what "no" means.

Dogs think you are a culinary genius.

You can house train a dog

Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving.

Dogs don't weigh down your purse with their stuff.

Dogs do not care whether you shave your legs.

Dogs take care of their own needs.

[Butterbean]

Fixed

 

[Butterbean]

blinking is the bodys natural reaction when the brains thought process comes to a grinding halt

[Original Sin]

Hung Chow calls into work and says, 'Hey, I no come work today, I really sick.

Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work.' 

 

The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really need you today.

When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex.

That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that.'   

 

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.  'I do what you say and I feel great.

I be at work soon.........You got nice house'.

[Butterbean]

haha didn't see that one coming

[Migs]

haha didn't see that one coming

His wife probably did, lol

[Migs]

Banned from Wal-Mart

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

[leonp1981]

Banned from Wal-Mart

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:

Dear Mrs. Samsel,

Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.

August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through yelled, 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least...

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'

Sincerely,

Wal-Mart

Hahahahah!! Genius!  That's brought a tear to my eye!

[Butterbean]

July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

[Hustle Man]

Hahaha

[Migs]

no funnies today

[Butterbean]

no funnies today

 





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