"A really good question, Jamel. And you aren’t the first one to pose it to a columnist. Back in 1975, a young couple on the fence about parenthood wrote to Ann Landers for advice about whether to have kids. So Ann asked her readers: “If you had it to do over again, would you have children?” Thousands responded, and the results were stunning: 70 percent were broken, bitter parents who said, “No way.”"
While this isn't the main reason I'm child free, I have to admit, it has featured largely in our decision to not have kids. I turn 42 in a couple of weeks. Off the top of my head, I can think 10 couples in my group of friends who have kids. Some of them are now teenagers, some of them are still quite young. I asked them if they would do things differently if they'd had the chance.
Seven of them regret their decision. Of course, they love their kids, and they've all said they can't imagine life without them, but if given the choice to do it over, they wouldn't have made the same decision. The other 3 couples - one pair is super strict and super religious - their kid is very well behaved but doesn't seem to have much connection to his parents at all, nor they to him (he's 11). I go there and just see 3 people living in a house who eat at the same time but have nothing to do with each other otherwise. The other 2 couples are devoted to their kids. One family is very very happy and they're a joy to be around. The other is on the verge of divorce because they've realised recently the only thing they have in common now are their children.
When I lived in Australia I worked as a therapist - the last few years specialising with kids who have learning and behavioural issues. Ok - not exactly representative of the general population I know, but I saw too many fucked up things doing that job to make me want to have kids of my own. Since moving to Germany, I've been working as a high school teacher. Same thing. Most of the kids are great, but I still see things daily that make me happy I never became a parent.
Each to their own. One of the mothers at my school said to me last week - having children - you have occasional moments of unspeakable joy, especially when they're young, but not a lot of happiness overall.
I'm more than happy being happy.