I like this post!
But using gear as a coping mechanism has to be hard cause I've found this shit can intensify my emotions. At least with alcohol and the right drugs I would be numb enough to forget even where I lived. Not having drugs to fall back on and have gear "enhancing" my emotions was a trip...they say substance abusers have the emotional age of when we started to use so I was about 12 when I stopped, and you're probably like 135.
Regardless, I hope you can grow out of this pattern for the sake of your kids.
i'm human. I have flaws. 98% of the time I really don't give a fuck about the girls. I see them stare, I hear the comments.. like i'm a piece of meat. and I really don't care, it doesn't matter to me. doesn't make me feel "good" or anything, it's not why I'm a bodybuilder.
but when I find a girl who fits all the criteria I want, physically, and she's a 'good girl', who's never been a 'slut' or behaved like most the girls I 'date' (girls that just wanna fuck me because of how I look), and everything's going great... then all of a sudden the rug gets pulled out from under me..... it kinda fucks me up. emotionally. i'm not a robot u know. lol...
and the drugs play a big part i'm sure... when i'm in a relationship, and things all of a sudden fall apart, I'm distracted. I miss shots, my testosterone/androgens plummet, I miss taking orals. I miss taking anti-estrogens, ect, and my training is effected, I lose my appitite, I can't sleep... all that adds up and kinda snowballs.
then I think "fuck it", and try to talk myself out of it.. try to rationalize that back home (san diego), girls like her are a dime-a-dozen, and the only reason I was hung up on her or settled for her, is because girls like her are hard to find in this area (i'm still in CA, but a lot of rich white people and 'poor' mexicans)...
so I 'flip the switch' like a robot, and get refocused and go balls-out and try to put her out of my mind... and I bury myself in training (and work.. sortta the same) and I get 'in shape' (not like I was ever not in shape).... and I sleep with girls who look at me and say "wow, I hit the jackpot with you", in the back of my mind I know FULL WELL i'm gonna end up hurting their feelings. (funny how the shoe's on the other foot right now. lol... fucking karma I guess)..... because I think that's what's gonna make me feel better, because that's what all my friends would say I should do. "dude, if I looked like you, i'd be banging 4 girls a week... i'd have fucking aids!.. you're like an action figure"....
but in the end, it's all a bunch of bullshit. it all sucks. it's all lonely.
in all honesty, that's 95% of what's behind the doses I use. (and about 80% of why i'm in the business i'm in, if you know what I mean..... I think "i'm gonna make her jealous, i'm gonna make them envy me.. i'm gonna big big and freaky and make a TON of money", ect...
give me some stability in my life, and i'll be cool with running a gram of test and a little deca each week, and i'll be cool making $40k a year or something. but without that stability, I push the envelope.
/thread hijack.... I gotta shoot 2g of test, take 2.5mg adex, and a mg of prami now, before I forget. lol