Author Topic: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?  (Read 11864 times)

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #100 on: April 04, 2014, 12:48:42 PM »
Of course they do !....
....Not with each other though.

WoooSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

lol!!!

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #101 on: April 04, 2014, 12:49:15 PM »
The Five Love Languages

The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate is a 1995 faith-based book by Gary Chapman.[1] It outlines five ways to express and experience love that Chapman calls "love languages": gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch.[2] Chapman's book claims that the list of five love languages is exhaustive.[3] Chapman argues that, emotionally, people need to receive love.[4] He also writes that people should not use the love languages that they like the most but rather the love languages that their loved ones can receive.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Five_Love_Languages



http://www.amazon.com/The-Love-Languages-Secret-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1396623813&sr=8-1&keywords=the+five+love+languages



great book!  One was sent to me by a very wise & caring person... changed my marriage.

snx

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #102 on: April 04, 2014, 12:58:21 PM »
That wasn't very nice of her, what she said.  :-[

It could be that her drive is really that much lower than yours, in which case you'll be pesky trying to turn her on, or there's something else at work. So...her not wanting sex could be anything else besides not wanting sex...stress at work, insecurity, unresolved issues, etc.

You're going to have to figure out why it takes so much for her to consent to sex. If you've told her that sex is one of the few ways you feel close to her, and she won't go to bed more often...that's sad. If she told you that love notes, dinner, and asparagus made her feel loved or close to you, you should be all up on that writing a note that dinner will be asparagus.

Hi The Boob (fun to write that one):

I've been surrounding the issue and digging at various points to try and find reasons.

She's said "I feel unfulfilled at work". So I took a new higher stress job to make more money, so she could quit her job, find her dream job, and go get it. Which she did.

She's said "the kids drive me crazy - I have no time to be anything but a mom". So I took over getting the kids ready in the morning, making lunches, driving them to school.

She's said "all I do is chores". So I do all the laundry and cooking now (I love cooking, so I've always done that), and dishes. I draw the line at cleaning the bathroom. I'd rather be celibate.

She's said she hates grocery shopping...so I do that and take the kids with me so she has a couple of hours per week to just hang around the house and de-compress.

She's said she doesn't feel pretty, so I fund a twice monthly spa/haircut appt with a stylist. And I took a portion of my bonus this year, and just turned it over to her "no strings attached" to go on a killer shopping spree.

She's said she has no time to let her hair down with her friends. So I paid for a trip for her and her two girlfriends two months ago to an exclusive spa to do girly crap at the spa.

Often, her excuse is just "I don't feel sexy". But I make sure I remind her daily that I love her, and how attractive I think she is. I think she thinks I'm saying that to "try and score" or I'm "just saying it".

So I am trying. This is not an exhaustive list, and I'm not doing it to create a sense of entitlement for either of us. But merely to illustrate I'm trying.

And I'm not willing to give up. I'll try the next thing.  I haven't bought lingerie or anything like that for her. Maybe that's the next step? Seems obviously self-serving on my part, which is why I've avoided it.

I know there's one thing this board hasn't asked (and I'm surprised): no one has said "hey snx, maybe you just suck in bed and are hung like a sparrow". I don't, and I'm not, but I know no one here will believe that. That's ok. I'm just very sure it's not that, and I won't go into gory details because frankly, that's just rude! :-)

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #103 on: April 04, 2014, 12:58:44 PM »
Yep. A sr. management job in an office. Decent amount of stress, but not crippling stress.

I don't like playing "one up", but her stress at work is about 50% of what I have. And we both agree on that.

Probably tired a lot.
Y

snx

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #104 on: April 04, 2014, 01:02:29 PM »
Probably tired a lot.

You're probably right.

She's been tired for a long time...

LOL

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #105 on: April 04, 2014, 01:08:30 PM »
Hi The Boob (fun to write that one):

I've been surrounding the issue and digging at various points to try and find reasons.

She's said "I feel unfulfilled at work". So I took a new higher stress job to make more money, so she could quit her job, find her dream job, and go get it. Which she did.

She's said "the kids drive me crazy - I have no time to be anything but a mom". So I took over getting the kids ready in the morning, making lunches, driving them to school.

She's said "all I do is chores". So I do all the laundry and cooking now (I love cooking, so I've always done that), and dishes. I draw the line at cleaning the bathroom. I'd rather be celibate.

She's said she hates grocery shopping...so I do that and take the kids with me so she has a couple of hours per week to just hang around the house and de-compress.

She's said she doesn't feel pretty, so I fund a twice monthly spa/haircut appt with a stylist. And I took a portion of my bonus this year, and just turned it over to her "no strings attached" to go on a killer shopping spree.

She's said she has no time to let her hair down with her friends. So I paid for a trip for her and her two girlfriends two months ago to an exclusive spa to do girly crap at the spa.

Often, her excuse is just "I don't feel sexy". But I make sure I remind her daily that I love her, and how attractive I think she is. I think she thinks I'm saying that to "try and score" or I'm "just saying it".

So I am trying. This is not an exhaustive list, and I'm not doing it to create a sense of entitlement for either of us. But merely to illustrate I'm trying.

And I'm not willing to give up. I'll try the next thing.  I haven't bought lingerie or anything like that for her. Maybe that's the next step? Seems obviously self-serving on my part, which is why I've avoided it.

I know there's one thing this board hasn't asked (and I'm surprised): no one has said "hey snx, maybe you just suck in bed and are hung like a sparrow". I don't, and I'm not, but I know no one here will believe that. That's ok. I'm just very sure it's not that, and I won't go into gory details because frankly, that's just rude! :-)


Wow, you do a heck of a lot for her. My wife is happiest when I notice her...a lot. That doesn't appear to be working for you guys.

Sounds like marriage counseling might be a thing. If nothing else, bringing it up might shake some dust out.

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #106 on: April 04, 2014, 01:53:21 PM »
Hi The Boob (fun to write that one):

I've been surrounding the issue and digging at various points to try and find reasons.

She's said "I feel unfulfilled at work". So I took a new higher stress job to make more money, so she could quit her job, find her dream job, and go get it. Which she did.

She's said "the kids drive me crazy - I have no time to be anything but a mom". So I took over getting the kids ready in the morning, making lunches, driving them to school.

She's said "all I do is chores". So I do all the laundry and cooking now (I love cooking, so I've always done that), and dishes. I draw the line at cleaning the bathroom. I'd rather be celibate.

She's said she hates grocery shopping...so I do that and take the kids with me so she has a couple of hours per week to just hang around the house and de-compress.

She's said she doesn't feel pretty, so I fund a twice monthly spa/haircut appt with a stylist. And I took a portion of my bonus this year, and just turned it over to her "no strings attached" to go on a killer shopping spree.

She's said she has no time to let her hair down with her friends. So I paid for a trip for her and her two girlfriends two months ago to an exclusive spa to do girly crap at the spa.

Often, her excuse is just "I don't feel sexy". But I make sure I remind her daily that I love her, and how attractive I think she is. I think she thinks I'm saying that to "try and score" or I'm "just saying it".

So I am trying. This is not an exhaustive list, and I'm not doing it to create a sense of entitlement for either of us. But merely to illustrate I'm trying.

And I'm not willing to give up. I'll try the next thing.  I haven't bought lingerie or anything like that for her. Maybe that's the next step? Seems obviously self-serving on my part, which is why I've avoided it.

I know there's one thing this board hasn't asked (and I'm surprised): no one has said "hey snx, maybe you just suck in bed and are hung like a sparrow". I don't, and I'm not, but I know no one here will believe that. That's ok. I'm just very sure it's not that, and I won't go into gory details because frankly, that's just rude! :-)


Shes taking the piss.


That is all.

The Ugly

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #107 on: April 04, 2014, 01:59:27 PM »
Shes taking the piss.


That is all.

Please clarify for us Yanks.

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #108 on: April 04, 2014, 02:46:55 PM »
Please clarify for us Yanks.
She is using the bathroom.

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #109 on: April 04, 2014, 02:54:33 PM »
Wow...you and I have a lot in common too. I doubt we'll ever meet in real life, and if we did, we'd probably never say this shit to each other, but I'm glad we get to talk to each other here at least. I can tell you this; if I ever run into you, first beer is on me. Even as a card carrying male, you gotta talk about shit once in a while with someone.

That's refreshing and reassuring, to say the least. There's probably a lot of guys like us; guys who have a hard time opening up, and just want a girl to lay down with us and understand that us doing that, with them, is the primary way we show affection and commitment. But of course, there's a lot of women out there who aren't wired that way. '

Hence, men from mars, women from venus, and all that other dime store psychology.

I guess what's not refreshing is the potential outcome you've laid out - it is kind of scary. Not that you were trying to scare me, but I don't like thinking about life without her or the kids. Of course, I know that's certainly a potential outcome if things get bad. As you rightfully pointed out, there are feelings of resentment and distance that creep in when I'm not able to connect physically (seeing as how it's one of the few ways I feel good at showing her I care about her). But I'm trying real hard each day to push those to the background, and focus on ways to turn her on more.

I guess that's what it comes down to. I'm a guy, so naturally, I think like a guy. I think "shit, if I were a woman, I'd want a man who's all jacked up". So I focus on that. It hasn't really worked with her. Then I think "well, if I were a woman, I'd want a man who makes all kinds of money". So I do that; hasn't really changed the bedroom scene much. I know she enjoys the safety of money, but that hasn't translated to the boudoir, so to speak. Then I think "well, if I act all aloof and like I don't need sex, then she'll want it more because she'll see I'm not so desperate." That hasn't worked; she has way more patience than I do, and I just sit there and watch the pot boil. She'll go a month or more if I don't act.

I'm really trying now, more than ever, to show her I care using language I think she'll be receptive to. I'm trying to look at it through her lens. I'm doing more chores around the house, so she's not so exhausted by it all; I'm getting the kids out from underneath her feet more, so she's given time to feel like a woman instead of a mom. I'm trying to support her professional growth so she's allowed to nurture those aspirations. Of course, I don't get a lot out of doing those things personally (well, I like spending time the kids), but I'm hoping she does and there's a recognition there. It's kind of my last straw. I don't have much else I can do, do I?

I mean, what would I try next? And this is not rhetorical; I will try anything that's reasonable. Knowing getbig, I realize what I've just asked with this question, so I anticipate some good lol's too.

If it's as you say, that the problem is her drive doesn't match mine, then we are indeed mismatched. That's pretty spooky. I did commit to her, for better or worse. I assume that "worse" can mean that her drive doesn't match mine, and never will. And that it's my job to be ok with it. I guess that's just not how I anticipated going through the prime of my life; I'd do it for her if I had to, because she's my best friend and I'll do anything for my friends. That's a sacrifice, but there are harder sacrifices one can make.

When I run out of options, I'll go the pharmaceutical route. Get on something to keep my anabolic, but also use something to kill the sex drive. I have no idea what that would be. But I do know I'm not walking out because she's not hot for me in the bedroom. If it is that her and I don't match, there will need to be some other strength to the relationship to keep us together. Even if it's just to make sure the kids grow up with mom and dad together in a loving household. There's enough screwed up kids out there without me adding a few more to the mix. And she's a great person; she doesn't deserve to have her life turned upside down because I'm not getting laid.

And of course, I know you're not telling me to leave my wife. I guess I'm really responding to the frankness of your post with my own heartfelt emotion. Trust me when I tell you; your words have really hit home.


Oh, and to AJ. I tried some stuff yesterday about trying to vocalize more of what I'd like. It didn't go too well. The minute we sat down to watch TV, I started with a little foot rub, which she always likes. The first words out of her mouth (predictably); "oh, I'm not horny tonight". To which I said, "hey, that's ok. How about you get a foot rub, and then I get a massage. Just want to be close". And then she said "no thanks. Not tonight. Why don't you fire up the computer."

At which point, I think I commented that I had no idea I'd married a eunuch. I think that might have been a tad overboard. LOL. Hey, I'm trying too here...cut me some friggin slack! LOL!.


I wouldn't say this to many people I don't know but for whatever it's worth your a good fucking man bro. the world would be a better place if everyone showed the commitment to their relationships and the love you have for your woman, to one another.

I hope you find a welcome resolution to your problem, and that you and the wifey find yourselves at the end of the road grey haired and holding hands.

cheers brother.
b

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #110 on: April 04, 2014, 02:55:06 PM »
She is using the bathroom.

I see what you did.

TEH boob

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #111 on: April 04, 2014, 04:39:09 PM »
SNX you're doing your part and being a very supportive husband. My advice, DON'T buy her lingerie. A woman who says she "doesn't feel sexy" + lingerie is a very very bad idea.

Sounds to me like she's unhappy with everything. She's going to have to fix that. Help her with her outlook, don't do any more things that are band aid solutions. Getting her hair done ten times month will not make her feel pretty. Feeling pretty will make her feel pretty.

Talk to her

Primemuscle

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #112 on: April 04, 2014, 07:11:14 PM »
Wow...you and I have a lot in common too. I doubt we'll ever meet in real life, and if we did, we'd probably never say this shit to each other, but I'm glad we get to talk to each other here at least. I can tell you this; if I ever run into you, first beer is on me. Even as a card carrying male, you gotta talk about shit once in a while with someone.

That's refreshing and reassuring, to say the least. There's probably a lot of guys like us; guys who have a hard time opening up, and just want a girl to lay down with us and understand that us doing that, with them, is the primary way we show affection and commitment. But of course, there's a lot of women out there who aren't wired that way. '

Hence, men from mars, women from venus, and all that other dime store psychology.

I guess what's not refreshing is the potential outcome you've laid out - it is kind of scary. Not that you were trying to scare me, but I don't like thinking about life without her or the kids. Of course, I know that's certainly a potential outcome if things get bad. As you rightfully pointed out, there are feelings of resentment and distance that creep in when I'm not able to connect physically (seeing as how it's one of the few ways I feel good at showing her I care about her). But I'm trying real hard each day to push those to the background, and focus on ways to turn her on more.

I guess that's what it comes down to. I'm a guy, so naturally, I think like a guy. I think "shit, if I were a woman, I'd want a man who's all jacked up". So I focus on that. It hasn't really worked with her. Then I think "well, if I were a woman, I'd want a man who makes all kinds of money". So I do that; hasn't really changed the bedroom scene much. I know she enjoys the safety of money, but that hasn't translated to the boudoir, so to speak. Then I think "well, if I act all aloof and like I don't need sex, then she'll want it more because she'll see I'm not so desperate." That hasn't worked; she has way more patience than I do, and I just sit there and watch the pot boil. She'll go a month or more if I don't act.

I'm really trying now, more than ever, to show her I care using language I think she'll be receptive to. I'm trying to look at it through her lens. I'm doing more chores around the house, so she's not so exhausted by it all; I'm getting the kids out from underneath her feet more, so she's given time to feel like a woman instead of a mom. I'm trying to support her professional growth so she's allowed to nurture those aspirations. Of course, I don't get a lot out of doing those things personally (well, I like spending time the kids), but I'm hoping she does and there's a recognition there. It's kind of my last straw. I don't have much else I can do, do I?

I mean, what would I try next? And this is not rhetorical; I will try anything that's reasonable. Knowing getbig, I realize what I've just asked with this question, so I anticipate some good lol's too.

If it's as you say, that the problem is her drive doesn't match mine, then we are indeed mismatched. That's pretty spooky. I did commit to her, for better or worse. I assume that "worse" can mean that her drive doesn't match mine, and never will. And that it's my job to be ok with it. I guess that's just not how I anticipated going through the prime of my life; I'd do it for her if I had to, because she's my best friend and I'll do anything for my friends. That's a sacrifice, but there are harder sacrifices one can make.

When I run out of options, I'll go the pharmaceutical route. Get on something to keep my anabolic, but also use something to kill the sex drive. I have no idea what that would be. But I do know I'm not walking out because she's not hot for me in the bedroom. If it is that her and I don't match, there will need to be some other strength to the relationship to keep us together. Even if it's just to make sure the kids grow up with mom and dad together in a loving household. There's enough screwed up kids out there without me adding a few more to the mix. And she's a great person; she doesn't deserve to have her life turned upside down because I'm not getting laid.

And of course, I know you're not telling me to leave my wife. I guess I'm really responding to the frankness of your post with my own heartfelt emotion. Trust me when I tell you; your words have really hit home.


Oh, and to AJ. I tried some stuff yesterday about trying to vocalize more of what I'd like. It didn't go too well. The minute we sat down to watch TV, I started with a little foot rub, which she always likes. The first words out of her mouth (predictably); "oh, I'm not horny tonight". To which I said, "hey, that's ok. How about you get a foot rub, and then I get a massage. Just want to be close". And then she said "no thanks. Not tonight. Why don't you fire up the computer."

At which point, I think I commented that I had no idea I'd married a eunuch. I think that might have been a tad overboard. LOL. Hey, I'm trying too here...cut me some friggin slack! LOL!.

Everything you do for your wife, which are all good things, you seem to do with the hope of getting laid. Don't think she hasn't figured this out. Women can be very intuitive.

Obviously, you have a healthy sex drive. Your wife seems not to, based on your account. Unfortunately, while you may be compatible in many ways, sexually you are mismatched. I think this is a huge problem for both of you and could be driving you apart. I recommend you and her see a marriage counselor. Your sexual needs should not go unsatisfied and her lack of them needs to be addressed. What you are currently doing, is unlikely to make either of you happy in the long term.

My wife and I have not had sex in years, but we are intimate and affectionate all the time. In our case, we are comfortable with our situation and being senior citizens, our individual sex drives are pretty nil these days. Thank goodness for that since we will be married for 50 years come next October. Neither of us is going anywhere anytime soon.


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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #113 on: April 04, 2014, 07:13:48 PM »
baby mama pussy is the gold standard


why do you think i still crave it everyday after 7 years of hitting it ???

No PICTORS, no evidence.

The Ugly

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #114 on: April 04, 2014, 08:08:40 PM »
Rohypnol?

King Shizzo

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #115 on: April 04, 2014, 08:42:16 PM »
Everything you do for your wife, which are all good things, you seem to do with the hope of getting laid. Don't think she hasn't figured this out. Women can be very intuitive.

Obviously, you have a healthy sex drive. Your wife seems not to, based on your account. Unfortunately, while you may be compatible in many ways, sexually you are mismatched. I think this is a huge problem for both of you and could be driving you apart. I recommend you and her see a marriage counselor. Your sexual needs should not go unsatisfied and her lack of them needs to be addressed. What you are currently doing, is unlikely to make either of you happy in the long term.

My wife and I have not had sex in years, but we are intimate and affectionate all the time. In our case, we are comfortable with our situation and being senior citizens, our individual sex drives are pretty nil these days. Thank goodness for that since we will be married for 50 years come next October. Neither of us is going anywhere anytime soon.


Just hoping for the best of health for the both of you.

Bertha Butt

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #116 on: April 04, 2014, 11:31:12 PM »
I mean, what would I try next? And this is not rhetorical; I will try anything that's reasonable. Knowing getbig, I realize what I've just asked with this question, so I anticipate some good lol's too.

A very stupid question, but have you asked her what she wants?
We can only guess, only she could now what she wants from you.

Bertha Butt

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #117 on: April 04, 2014, 11:43:58 PM »
That's the weird thing...HJ's are even off the table if she's not feeling up to it. It's not really that hard...I've been doing them to myself for years. LOL.

 ???
If a woman is not into sex, why would she be into BJ's/HJ's? They're still forms of sex...
She's having issues being intimate, and handling an erect penis is quite intimate.


Quote
Menopause is about 10 years off for her, so she won't get meno treatment now. About all they'd do is counsel her on sex drive, and since most women don't complain about low sex drive, there aren't a lot of doctors out there well versed in helping women treat that problem. If she in fact does have a physiological problem.

Another stupid question: is she on the pill? Maybe switching to another pill or stopping could restore her libido.
One of the pills I tried really killed my libido, went from nearly nympho to eunuch. Other pills just made the libido less. Now I'm off the pill, my libido is back to nearly nympho. So that could really make a difference, and most doctors don't care about that aspect of contraception medication.

Bertha Butt

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #118 on: April 05, 2014, 12:27:02 AM »
She's said "I feel unfulfilled at work". So I took a new higher stress job to make more money, so she could quit her job, find her dream job, and go get it. Which she did.

She's said "the kids drive me crazy - I have no time to be anything but a mom". So I took over getting the kids ready in the morning, making lunches, driving them to school.

She's said "all I do is chores". So I do all the laundry and cooking now (I love cooking, so I've always done that), and dishes. I draw the line at cleaning the bathroom. I'd rather be celibate.

She's said she hates grocery shopping...so I do that and take the kids with me so she has a couple of hours per week to just hang around the house and de-compress.

She's said she doesn't feel pretty, so I fund a twice monthly spa/haircut appt with a stylist. And I took a portion of my bonus this year, and just turned it over to her "no strings attached" to go on a killer shopping spree.

She's said she has no time to let her hair down with her friends. So I paid for a trip for her and her two girlfriends two months ago to an exclusive spa to do girly crap at the spa.

I think you're a really loving and caring buy!

Have you asked her if she wanted all what you did for her? Sounds silly, but sometimes women just want to vent their thoughts and emotions, and not have those problems solved by someone else. Just someone listening.

I had a bad time when having a burn out, and Phreak did all he could to solve any problem I ran into. Awfully nice of him, but it made me feel inadequate. I've now learned to make clear that I'm just venting my thoughts, and he should not act upon them. If I'm not clear, he will ask if I want help. Sounds strange for bystanders, but it helps.


Quote
Often, her excuse is just "I don't feel sexy". But I make sure I remind her daily that I love her, and how attractive I think she is. I think she thinks I'm saying that to "try and score" or I'm "just saying it".

Can you read minds? Probably not. Ask her what she thinks.

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Re: Do couples married for more than twenty years still have sex?
« Reply #119 on: April 05, 2014, 03:18:59 AM »
I still sex my gf everyday after 2 years of relationship now