Stuart McRobert's visit to the shrink
In a small office on the thirteenth floor of a large office building there sits a very skinny man with tears running down his cheeks and big black bags under his eyes. Then all of a sudden an older man with a big grey beard enters the room and introduces himself as Dr. Psychiatrist.
Dr. P: "What seems to be the problem, Mr Mcrobert?"
Stuie: "I-i-it's m-m-my n-nightmares!!!
Dr. P: "Nightmares? Explain."
Stuie: "W-well, every night I go to sleep exactly 4 hours and 53 minutes after my weight training. I do this to ensure that the one muscle fiber I stimulated has enough time to think about how it is genetically disadvantaged before going to bed. But for the last week or so I have been waking up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night. My heart is racing, my eyes are tearing up and my Barbie pyjamas are soaked!"
Dr. P: "I see, I see. Now what is happening in these nightmares?"
Stuie: "Well, it's very difficult to remember exactly what happened but I remember that I was on my way to the local gym. I was wearing my usual Batman costume so no one at the gym would notice how small my muscles are. After calibrating the genetic potential of my new running shoes. I headed over to the weight room. But when I got there, it was full of people with...with...muscles! Waaaaaahhh!"
Dr. P: "But isn't a gym a place where people build their muscles?"
Stuie: "What are you, some kind of drug user?!!"
Dr. P: "Sorry, go on."
Stuie: "Anyway, all of the guys in the gym were huge. I did what any normal person would do and openly declared all of them drug users. Not one of them payed any attention to me and just kept on working, their muscles getting bigger with each rep! I was too angry at this complete disregard of sound training to begin my workout, so I just stood in a corner thinking about how much good advice I could give these guys if they would just stop training."
Dr. P: "Stuart, why would you give them advice? They are already big and strong."
Stuie: "What are you some kind of a drug user?!!"
Dr. P: "Stuart, calm down. I don't even lift weights."
Stuie: "See how easy it is for you easy gainers!"
Dr. P: "Just finish your damn story!"
Stuie: "Ok! Anyway, I was at this point amazed at the complete lack of sensible training. I even caught several of them doing 2 or more sets of a weight that would crush an army of hard gainers. I had to put a stop to this! I shouted and shouted at them to reduce the weight and increse the complaining but no one payed any attention. Them in the corner of the room a man dressed all in black just pointed at me and said "you go downstairs". I did as he said without even thinking and went down some stairs into the basement and was amazed what I found."
Dr. P: "What was there, Stuie?"
Stuie: "Well, the whole basement was a giant gym just like upstairs, but this time it was full of very skinny, sad men who just sat on benches and sighed. "Why aren't my arms bigger?" one said. Another spoke out "I wish someone could give me that great routine that will take my bench press from 80 to 82lbs". I was so happy that I was finally in a place where REAL trainers worked out. These guys were so well educated that they didn't even risk overtraining BY training. I was so fired up for a workout that I ran to the power rack. I loaded the bar with the standard 2.5lb plates. This would be the week that I hit 50lbs for 8 reps. I psyched myself up but at the same time promised that even if I missed the goal I would still buy myself an ice cream for trying. I bent down to tighten my shoe lace and then when I looked up...the..the"
Dr. P: "What Stuie? You have to let loose your feelings."
Stuie: "Well, (gulp) when I looked back at the squat bar it was now all of a sudden loaded with 2 45lb plates!!! 135lbs of overtraining, failure, and bad genetics. I was so scared that I squeeled like a girl scout that just burnt her brownies. But then after I blinked they were back to just the 2.5lb plates. Chalking this hallucination up to an animal product I had eaten when I was 5, I decided to continue. I placed my motivational cassette player on the floor and my photo radar machine on a bench near by to make sure I didn't exceed a 2/4 rep cadence. I decended for my first rep. Tough, but great work for a hardgainer who is doomed to never become strong. Three reps in I was feeling good but then all of a sudden the plates...the turned into...(gulp) 45 pounders again!"
Dr. P: "Sigh"
Stuie: "The weight was so heavy it felt like there was a herd of elephants having a disco party on my back. I Fell to the ground like a discarded kleenex and actually broke through the floor! I just kept falling down into this abyss until I finally landed in a pit of..of..supplements! There were supplements everywhere! Then from behind me I heard these guys talking. I looked and there was a man who also had muscles buying a can of basic milk and egg protein powder. Of all the nerve! I junged out to try and stop him from further destroying his body but he just tossed me like a frisbee into the air and I just kept going. Then I finally landed in a different gym, equally loaded with muscular strong men. But this time they noticed me immeadiatly. One shouted "Hey! That's Stuie McRobert! Look how fucking small he is! And he writes books on weight training?! Ha ha ha ha ha!". And then all of them were laughing at me, none of them even considering the fact that I could actually be Batman. Then I just fell to the ground crying, and that's when I woke up."
Dr. P: "Ah, I see. Well Stuie, I think I know what the problem is."
Stuie: "Really?!! Oh good! What is it? Train less often? Reduce the poundage? Spout more negative jargon?
Dr. P: "No, none of them will help you."
Stuie: "Then what should I do Doc?"
Dr. P: "Well, you can start by NOT BEING SUCH A FUCKING WHINY LITTLE BITCH!!! Start training like a man, you little rectal wart! Your nothing but a baby looking for excuses not to work hard, eat lots, and work hard some more! Get with the fucking program! Stop hiding behind your genetic imperfections and be glad you've got 2 arms, 2 legs, and some very small balls! My sister is a quadroplegic and she manages to race in the provincial games by training 5 times a week and not letting her limitations limit her achievments! So get off your ass, hoist some big weights, and for christ's sake take off that ridiculous Batman outfit!
Stuie: --- "What are you, some kind of drug user?!!"
Stuart then leaves the office and never returned to that Psychiatrist. The next day Dr. P took up weight training and is now a runner up powerlifting champion in the 55+ age category.